Posts Tagged ‘step’
One Step Back, Three Steps Forward: Dysregulation and Development
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009The Nine Step Home Buyers Guide
Thursday, February 19th, 2009As a nation, we tend to be people who jump right into things, figuring we can learn as we go. But when it comes to home-buying, taking the time to step back and prepare before shopping for a home can be one of the best decisions you can make.
And if you can take a few steps on your own before you start shopping for homes, it makes the process smoother for everyone buyers, sellers, their agents, and the dozens of other people behind the scenes who help make the real estate transaction happen.
There are thousands of resources online to help buyers, but one of the best ones comes from the US Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD). What follows is HUD’s basic nine-step process for home buyers, along with some tips and further explanations.
1. Figure out how much you can afford.
Many real estate websites offer financial calculators to help you determine what your loan payments look like with different down payments, interest rates, and terms. It’s a great way get an initial estimate from which to proceed.
2. Know your rights.
Because of laws like the Fair Housing Act (FHA), Real Estate Settlement Procedures Act (RESPA), some buyers simply assume everyone involved in the real estate transaction will abide by these laws. Whether by accident or intention, that’s not always the case. As a buyer, it’s your responsibility to be familiar with the laws, so you’ll know if an issue arises.
3. Shop for a loan.
A lot of buyers wait to do this until after they start shopping for a home, and that can hold up the process for both buyers and sellers and delays don’t make anyone happy. Get offers from different lenders, and ask about pre-approval offers, too.
4. Learn about home-buying programs.
Check with HUD.gov as well as your own state government’s website to see whether you may qualify for any government home-buying assistance programs.
5. Shop for a home.
Finally, at step five, you get into the nitty gritty. Now that you know your price range and you’re ready to get a loan in place, you can start looking at towns, tax rates, schools, and more. HUD offers a very thorough checklist for download on their website.
This is also where you’d enlist the services of a buyer’s broker as needed to represent you in the real estate transaction. Don’t forget, the buyer’s broker is paid out of the selling agent’s commission, so it costs you nothing to bring a buyer’s broker into the picture.
6. Make an offer.
The listed price isn’t necessarily written in stone. Talk to your broker about your negotiating options. Then, when you agree on a price, read through the initial purchase and sale agreement, and discuss any changes you’d like to make with your agent (or a real estate attorney) before you sign.
7. Get a home inspection.
Your inspector should be specifically experienced in residential inspections, allow you to accompany him or her throughout the inspection, and provide a written report within 24-48 hours. Also of value: membership in a professional organization, investment in continuing education, and a series of positive testimonials/referrals.
8. Shop for homeowners insurance.
You need to have this in place and ready to go before you sign the papers, and be able to provide the proof of it. Use the Internet to help you with everything from finding multiple providers for quotes, to getting tips on buying and keeping your insurance costs down.
9. Sign papers.
Generally speaking, the process takes a couple of hours, but you don’t want to rush it. So don’t put anything else on your calendar for the day you’ll be taking legal possession of your new home.
And don’t hesitate to ask questions! Some people think because they’ve gone through so much to get to the signing table, they don’t want to do anything that might slow down or jeopardize the transaction at the last minute. But if you’re not comfortable with something, or you don’t understand something, handle it right then and there.
In fact, that’s possibly the best advice for any home buyer never be afraid to ask questions. No matter what it’s about, or whether you think you’ll look silly or ignorant because of it, just ask. Buying a home may be expensive, but as the old saying goes
, the most expensive thing in life is regret.
Step Parenting Preparation – How Does This Step Parenting Thing Work Anyway?
Wednesday, January 28th, 2009Step parenting is a fuzzy role. Most people aren’t real clear what’s expected of them. Today, let’s focus on some hazard areas so you can be sure to avoid them.
People rarely have a clue what a relationship with a step-child will be like. It’s not because we’re stupid. It’s just that there aren’t any guide books for step families. We just assume it’s ok to play by biological family rules. A lot of false beliefs happens as a result of this. Today, I’d like to look at some of the most common and present a more realistic view of what you’re likely to experience.
1. I get along fine with the children now, so our relationship will only improve once I’m married to their parent.
Once you are married to their parent, children will view their relationship with you VERY differently. Things are permanent now. Any hopes they may have been holding onto about mom and dad reconciling are dead, and you’re a part of that death. This quite obviously can cause serious resentment.
2. The kids are only over every other weekend. That shouldn’t cause much of a disruption to our home life.
Just because a child is over every other weekend, doesn’t mean they can’t wreak havoc on your home and life. I receive tons of questions from fledgling step-parents struggling with what to do to manage what they view as the “disruption” to their lives when the kids come to visit. It’s not that they don’t like the kids, it’s just that their usual schedule gets turned topsy turvy.
3. My partner loves me. so obviously their kids will too.
Nowhere does it say that just because a child’s parent loves you, that they have to. Many kids have the opinion that they already have 2 parents and they aren’t interested in having any more. Your goal in the beginning needs to be for a friendly, civil relationship – not one full of love. If you get love, great! But, don’t count on it.
4. I’m an adult… How tough can it be to win a kid over?
It can be VERY difficult to “win over” a step-child. The problem is your attitude. It’s really a manipulative one. Rather than “win” them over, the focus needs to be on being present in their lives and slowly trying to build a relationship with them.
5. I won’t have to be the “bad guy” with these kids. My spouse will take care of all the discipline.
While this SHOULD be the way things go, it rarely does. Most of the time single parents are so happy to have another adult in the house, they expect that person to step in and share the responsibility of discipline.
6. My new spouse will make sure the kids treat me with respect.
This is another one that SHOULD happen, but unfortunately a lot of parents are still wrestling with a sense of guilt over breaking up the family. The guilt continues as the parent feels that the children are being forced into a new and different family. Guilt can get in the way of biologicaly parents requiring their children to treat the new member of the family with respect.
Unilateral Disarmament – The First Step to Improving Communications with Your Teenagers
Friday, January 16th, 2009Many times, we are so conditioned in how we speak that we do not realize whether or not we are effectively communicating with our teens. This is especially true when they upset us.
To ensure that you are fostering an environment that will encourage your teenager to talk to you, as opposed to fearing you, the first step is to evaluate your communication style. How you express yourself and what you say to your teens, especially when you are angry, can inhibit your relationship with them. Reacting by shouting short sarcastic phrases will usually turn off most people, including our teenagers.
The following are twelve examples of statements and questions that you should avoid saying:
1. When I was your age
2. What part of the word “NO” don’t you understand
3. Because I said so
4. Who pays the mortgage around here?
5. You’re NOT going out dressed like that
6. What do you see in him, you can do better
7. You kids have it so easy today
8. I didn’t say that
9. You live under my roof, you live by my rules
10. Are you PMSing?
11. When are you going to grow up?
12. This conversation is over
Activity:
Think through the things that you say that are similar to the above, and create a list. Then, meet with your teen and ask her for her input. Explain that you are doing this because you love her and want her to trust you and to not fear coming to you to discuss things that are important to her. Go over the list and then ask your teen to add any statements that you may have missed.
For example, you can say, Tell me the things that I say to you that you feel are hurtful; or prevent you from wanting to talk to me about important issues. Add them to the list and make a mental note of them. Then, ask your teen to tell you when you react to her behavior and use any of those phrases.
Stress that improved communications is a two way street and you are going to do your part to make things better. Then add that you also expect her to do her part, as it will take both your efforts to improve communications.
What to do
Remember to have a thick skin and thank her for her feedback when she provides it even if you are angry. The best way to change this reactionary behavior is to try and think before you react, and talk more constructively to your teenager. Think of how you would have to react at work if a subordinate or coworker did something to upset you. As angry as you might be, you would strive to act professional because your job depended on it. If you do react and your daughter brings it to your attention, thank her and then discuss the issue more constructively because your relationship depends on it.
You also need to set guidelines with your teen, instead of making rigid rules that will alienate her and create a vicious cycle of poor communicating and hard feelings.
Unilateral disarmament is the first step in demonstrating to your teen that you are serious about improving communications with her. When you lead by example, you are establishing the foundation and setting your expectations. This works better that a do as I say, not as I do! reactionary approach which causes your teen to be more rebellious.
Copyright 2004 by V. Michael Santoro and Jennifer S. Santoro, All Rights Reserved.
This article is an excerpt from the book “Realizing the Power of Love,” How a father and teenage daughter became best friends…and you can too, coauthored by V. Michael Santoro and his teenage daughter Jennifer S. Santoro. For more information visit their Web site: http://www.dadsdaughters.com/
Step Family Success – This is the Most important Ingredient
Friday, December 5th, 2008In first marriages, the old saying is to put a bean in a jar every time you make love during the first year. For every year thereafter, take one out every time you make love. By the end of your marriage, it is said that the jar will finally be empty. It’s a nice wives tale, but not necessarily as accurate for remarriages.
You don’t get that nice, uncomplicated “honeymoon” period with your remarriage. After the “I Do’s” are shared, you come home to children expecting their lives to stay as unchanged as possible even though you’ve made this decision to marry. This can be frustrating and a real let down if you weren’t expecting it.
You still are newly married though. You still need alone time for your marriage to grow in intimacy and commitment. It’s just more of a challenge this time around because you’re not alone. “Initiating” every room in your new house isn’t that easy because there are children who could walk in at any moment.
You still have the same parenting demands and now have the added demands of trying to build a relationship with your step children. All of this takes energy. At the same time, you have a spouse who is vying for your time as well. In order to have a successful step family and marriage, you’re going to have to learn how to balance all of the needs.
One of the things I always warn my coaching clients is that you can’t neglect your marriage in order to try to strengthen the family. There is no family if the marriage falls apart!!
You must nurture your marriage relationship. You are a married couple, not just John & Mary’s parents. A good rule of thumb is that your marriage requires just as much time as your children do. If you’re newlyweds, I’d challenge you that you may need more. Your marriage relationship is the weakest one.
While sex doesn’t “make” a marriage, it can break it. It is an intimate act in marriage. You’ve both agreed to share this with only each other for the rest of your lives. Neglecting it, is a sure sign of relationship difficulties.
You may need to be creative about ways to fit in intimate times. If you’re fortunate and both sets of children go to your ex-spouses homes for visitation, try to set that up so that all children go on the same weekends so that you have time alone as a couple.
As a couple you’ll need to discuss other options if you aren’t that lucky. How are you going to create the time to be intimate? This doesn’t always have to lead to love making, but it does need to be time where the two of you just focus on your relationship, not the rest of the family.
Step Families – How to Create a Strong Step Family
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008“Help! I don’t love my step-kids! Now what do I do?” If there’s one question I get asked more than any other, this is it! Whether the couple is engaged and preparing to combine families or they are already married, this is a common fear.
My reply to this is, “Who told you you had to love your step-children?” The problem with this question is that you’re trying to play a new game with old rules! Let me explain. You’re assuming that because you love your own children, you should love your partner’s children because now you are (or soon will be) their step-parent. Well, the “old rules” you’re trying to play by are for a nuclear family model. I think just about anyone would look at you weird if you didn’t love your biological children. You been a part of their lives since birth.
Is it fair to expect yourself to love children, whom you may have only known for a few months, to the same degree as you love your own children? Does that even make sense? NO!
This isn’t a nuclear family! The “new game” is a step family. Those old rules don’t work here. Instead, they cause frustration and guilt. Your goal should NEVER be to emulate a nuclear family. Instead, it should be to have a healthy and happy step family. Does that mean a step family is less than a nuclear family? Absolutely not!! It just means they’re different.
A step family matures in stages. As those stages progress the feelings that everyone has for one another should progress as well. At the beginning everyone can feel uncomfortable and awkward. It may feel like all of the sudden, you’re living with a bunch of strangers.
I often advise new step-parents to try to focus on developing a “coach type” relationship with their step-children early on. Kids look up to a coach because they are another adult who is fun and can teach them things. A coach’s role is NOT a disciplinarian and they aren’t expected to love the kids they work with.
That’s the type of role you want to play. They already have a parent who is responsible for disciplining them and making sure they follow the rules. You should just be a fun person they are getting to know and developing a relationship with.
Over time as the family grows, love may or may not come into the picture. But that really isn’t necessarily the goal. Your goal as a step-parent should always be: to be another positive adult in this kid’s life. Whenever you get frustrated or question how to react, I encourage you to ask yourself, “Will this action lead me toward or away from being another positive adult in this kid’s life?”
So take the pressure off yourself. Don’t forget, you’re not playing by nuclear family rules. Don’t forget that the successful creation of a happy stepfamily takes years, NOT months. Relax and give everyone the time and space they need to flourish.
Step families are complicated. There are a lot of people, living in one house, with no close ties. This can lead to hurt feelings, disappointment, and arguments if you haven’t parepared yourselves adequately.
How to Overcome Your Child’s Lying: Three Step Lying Solution
Friday, September 12th, 20081. Make sure that your son is attending all of his classes daily. Call the teachers, e-mail them, do whatever you must to ensure he is attending. If he is not, then we must focus on this issue first. Let him quit wrestling if wants to. Continuing to wrestle and being stressed out is not worth the positives that might be gained at this time. (This topic alone is fodder for an entire article!)
2. Spend 20 minutes of uninterrupted time with your son every evening, allowing him to talk about anything he would like. Turn off the television and put down the newspaper, just listen to what hes talking about.
3. The main part of the Lying Solution:
When he lies, take several deep breaths. Look at him with sorrow in your eyes because you now see the fear driving the lie. Ignore the Lie, but Dont Ignore Him — say, Son, I love you. You are not ever going anywhere, and everything is going to be alright. Do you understand? Once he nods in agreement, turn and walk away. Never mention the lie. Wait one hour. Once you are calm, go back to him. Interrupt whatever he is doing. Take him by the hand, look him in the eyes and say, Son, you know I love you right? I love you very much. When you tell me a lie, it really scares me. It hurts me as well, because it tells me that you dont trust me. Then I worry that I cant keep you safe. I need you to know that you can trust me and everything is going to be okay. Do you understand? Once the child nods his head in belief, you have officially completed the Three Step Lying Solution.
Telling the truth is very difficult. If telling the truth was an easy thing there would be few incidences of lying. When an individual, unconsciously, is fearful of being rejected, abandoned, ridiculed, or shamed, the prospect of honesty becomes daunting. To continue our story, following two weeks, I had not heard back from the parents. Finally, after six weeks I received a phone call, it was from the mother. She exclaimed, Hello, Dr. Post, its Sharon from California. I know it has been longer than two weeks, but you wont believe it, my son has made a complete turnaround! In fact, he has even gotten a job at the local swimming pool. Hallelujah.
The recommendations were not magical. What is magical is when parents are able to see things differently. Two of the recommendations alone: Spending 20 minutes uninterrupted with their son each evening and telling him hes never going anywhere, could have made a significant difference by themselves. In the United States, the average amount of quality parent-child time is 13 minutes! They almost doubled that. In addition, John Bowlby, the father of attachment theory, stated that the threat of loss is equal to loss itself. In other words, you should never threaten to send a child away because of their behavior. If so, you are going to create more fear, which will only trigger the rejection theyve already experienced. This will lead to depression, anger, and the need to lie better. Thousands of parents have utilized The Three Step Lying Solution effectively. More than a handful of parents have reported using it just one time and their children have not told a lie since. Though it is simple, simple does not mean easy. It can be difficult to put into place, but it is very effective once you finally use it.
Copyrightฉ 2006 Dr. Bryan Post. All rights reserved.
Do Not Call Registry is Just the 1st Step
Sunday, August 10th, 2008The Federal Trade Commission launched its much anticipated Do Not Call Registry on June 27th, several days earlier than the announced July 1 debut. The FTC reported that they were receiving as many as 1,000 registrations a minute at their website, www.donotcall.gov. As of Tuesday, July 1, 12.5 million telephone numbers had been logged into the registry, according to the FTC.
The do not call registry takes effect on Oct. 1 and telemarketers who call numbers on the list could face fines up to $11,000 per call. While consumers may consider the registry a victory over annoying telemarketing calls, those same telemarketers have already begun to focus on other ways to reach the consumer via e-mail and direct mail marketing.
According to the Direct Marketing Association (DMA), companies spent over $80 billion on telemarketing in 2002. Marketers will now look to focus those funds toward more traditional sales pitches to reach their targets and avoid possible fines. Consumers should prepare for the onslaught of direct mail and internet advertising they will receive, including the possibility of more spam e-mail.
You can register for this national registry at www.donotcall.gov. Your registration will be valid for a five-year period, after which you would need to renew your registration. Registering for the FTCs do not call registry is only the first step to take toward opting out of telemarketing advertising.
The next step to take in order to reduce the amount of junk mail you receive at home is to contact the Direct Marketing Association. Contact them by letter and give them your full name, your complete home address, your telephone number and your signature. Inform them that you want to register for their opt-out Preference program.
They can be contacted at:
Direct Marketing Association
Mail Preference Service
P.O. Box 643
Carmel, NY 10512
This registration will stop mailings from many national companies for a period of five years. However, it will not stop mailings if the company is not registered with the Direct Marketing Association.
It will take about 90 days to honor your request if you contact them by mail. The DMA circulates their opt-out list quarterly to their members, so you may not see a significant change for three to six months.
If you want a faster way to opt-out of their list, then consider going online to register for this service. You will need a credit card to pay the $5.00 charge to register online. Contact the DMA online at www.dmaconsumers.org. There is no charge to register by mail however.
By registering with these two services now you should see a dramatic decrease in the amount of telemarketing calls and mail that you receive in the near future.
Breaking the Myths of Motherhood: One Step Toward Alleviating Postpartum Mood Disorders
Tuesday, July 15th, 2008Many first-time mothers are baffled when they find their new life with baby doesnโt match up to the myths of motherhood. We are led to believe that having a baby should be a glorious, magical time. We are taught not only that we will but that we must bond immediately with our babies. We believe in the images of mother and father standing over their babyโs crib holding each other close and smiling with glee, and we assume we will have the same experience.
But the reality is often a bit more raw. Reality may include fear, exhaustion, confusion and self-doubt. It may involve a high-needsโ baby, breast-feeding challenges, marital adjustments, isolation, or other life stressors.
When a woman has a family or personal history of depression or anxiety in addition to hormonal shifts, sleep deprivation, and a less than perfect experience as a new mother, she may be thrown into an unexpected state of irritation, depression, anxiety or obsessive/compulsive behavior. It can be a time of confusion and increased self-doubt, leaving her wondering, โWhat is wrong with me?โ
10-20% of pregnant women will experience postpartum depression or anxiety. The good news is that it is incredibly treatable. For mild depression or anxiety, support, exercise, healthy eating, and a moderate amount of sleep may be all it takes for a mother to feel like herself again. For moderate to severe depression or anxiety, an individualized combination of self-care, therapy and medication has proven to resolve even the most challenging postpartum adjustment issues.
During pregnancy, if a woman knows she has a family or personal history of depression or anxiety, if there are actual or anticipated life stressors during pregnancy or the first year postpartum, or if she has minimal amount of support in her life, she can shore up resources and support during pregnancy to minimize the possibility of postpartum depression.The greatest gift a mother can give to her baby is to feel good about being a mom. The greatest gift she can give to herself is the support and self-care she needs to make that her reality.
For more information on this therapist and other articles, visit www.therapylinx.com!