Traditional child disciplining approaches are no longer successful for far too many young people. For example, a parent related the following to me after a discussion of how society and youth have changed in recent generations:
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The other day, my teenage daughter was eating in a rather slovenly manner, and I lightly tapped her on the wrist saying, “Don’t eat that way.”
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My daughter replied, “Don’t abuse me.”
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The mother had grown up in the 1960s and volunteered the point that her generation tested authority but most were really afraid to step out of bounds. She related that her daughter was a good child and added, “But the kids today not only disrespect authority, they have no fear of it.”
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And, because of rights for young children??which we should have??it’s hard to instill that fear without others claiming abuse.
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So, how can we discipline our children, so we as parents can do our jobs and teach our children who refuse to learn?
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In many cases we resort to punishment as a strategy for motivation. This negative, coercive discipline and punishment approach is based on the belief that it is necessary to cause suffering to teach. It’s like you need to hurt in order to instruct.
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For example, when kids misbehave, most parents send them to their room. However, coercion, as in punishment, is not a lasting change agent. Once the punishment is over, the child feels free and clear to do exactly what they want again.
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The fact of the matter, however, is that people learn better when they feel better, not when they feel worse.
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Remember, if punishment were effective in reducing inappropriate behavior, then there would be NO discipline problems
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The irony of punishment is that the more you use it to control your children’s behavior, the less real influence you have over them. This is because coercion breeds resentment. In addition, if your children behave because they are forced to behave, then you as a parent did not really succeed. Your children should behave because they want to??not because they have to in order to avoid punishment.
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Internal motivation??where people want to change??is more lasting and effective than motivation by punishment. The way to influence people is through positive, non-coercive interaction.
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Here’s how…
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5 Things GREAT Parents Know, Understand, and Do to Motivate Children to Learn Without Using Punishments or Rewards.
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1. Great parents understand the importance of building a close relationship with their children. Many children put forth little effort if they have negative feelings about their parents. Superior parents establish good, close relationships AND have high expectations for their children
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2. Great parents communicate and discipline in positive ways. They let their children know what they want them to do, rather than by telling students what NOT to do.
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3. Great parents inspire rather than coerce. They aim at promoting responsibility rather than obedience. They know that OBEDIENCE DOES NOT CREATE DESIRE.
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4. Great parents identify the reason that a lesson is being taught and then share it with their children. These parents inspire their children through curiosity, challenge, and relevancy.
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5. Great parents have an open mindset. They REFLECT so that if something needs improvement they look to themselves to change BEFORE they expect their children to change.
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Unfortunately, parents today still have a 20th century mindset that focuses on EXTERNAL APPROACHES to increase motivation. We as parents are overlooking the simple universal truth that people develop positive self-talk and self-esteem through the successes of THEIR OWN EFFORTS.
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So, have high expectations for your children, motivate them to succeed and follow my tips above and you’ll be able to “Discipline without Stress
, Punishments or Rewards.”???
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Posts Tagged ‘promote’
How Parents Can Discipline Children and Promote Learning Without Stress & Punishment or Rewards
Tuesday, December 29th, 2009What 10 Things Divorced Parent Should Do To Promote Positive Child Adjustment?
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008The effects of recent enlargement in divorce rates are negative effects. Divorced children are more probably to get pregnant as teenagers, drop out of high school, abuse drugs and have aggressively emotional and behavioral problems, which lead to social problems. Some children decide to go out of their home when their parents separate each other, and subsequently they become homeless children. They do not have good opportunities to find a job due to shortage of education. Consequently, crime may likely be the end result.
As parent, one of your top priorities is to reduce this negative effect and help your children have positive divorce adjustment. Here are the 10 things you should do to promote positive divorce child adjustment.
1. Do encourage your children to talk about how they feel.
The sure way to help your children adjust to divorce is for you to know what they feel. So let your children know that they can openly talk to you about their feelings of your separation or divorce. Keep lines of communication open and answer all questions about the changes. Make sure your children feels like they can ask you questions and get answers about why the divorce happened and what to expect.
2. Reassure children that everything will be ok but just different.
Children are invariably frightened and confused by divorce. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect.
3. Do stay involve in your children’s life.
Custodial and non-custodial parent should stay involve in their children’s life. Children may interpret lack of involvement as rejection. Often, they think the parent who is not involved in their life loves them less. If your children are to adjust well to your divorce, nurturing the parent-child relationship is paramount. Spend special time with your children, have fun together and continually express your love for your children.
4. Do keep your ex-spouse from becoming an ex-parent.
Many non-custodial parents, who typically are fathers, fail to stay involved with their children after the divorce. This is unfortunate as children’s adjustment is enhanced by a positive, active relationship with both parents.
If you are the custodial parent, you should encourage the involvement of the non-custodial parent even though it takes extra effort if a lot of anger is still present. It is a time when you must separate your spousal relationship from your parenting relationship. This is hard, but it is possible. You must try not to “direct” your spouse’s parenting patterns and concentrate your efforts on smoothing access.
5. Do not argue with your ex-spouse in front of your child.
Children exposed to conflict are more likely to have behavioral and emotional disturbances, suffer social and interpersonal problems, and show impairment in their thought and reasoning processes. Experts say the amount of conflict the child witnesses during and immediately after divorce is a crucial factor in his or her adjustment.
When parents show better emotional adjustment after the divorce, so do the children. Children show much less anxiety, insecurity and distress when parents are able to argue in a proper manner, reach an agreement, and stick to the compromise.
6. Do keep routines consistent as much as possible.
Children thrive on consistency and stability. During the transition you need to demonstrate to the child that their life will not change dramatically. Having consistent routines (having generally the same naptimes, mealtimes, bedtimes and bath-times each day) is important for young children, because it helps them to feel secure. At times, some parenting issues require communication and coordination between parents, if the child spends time with both parents. Both parents don’t have to do things exactly the same way, but it is easier for children if most things are similar at each home.
7. Do make every effort to ease the transition of your children from one home to the other.
Transition between homes can be stressful for children as well as adults. Initial adjustment to new situations can cause tension, and children may experience grief and loss over their parent separation for some time.
Children can have difficulty thinking about leaving their custodial parent and their primary home even for the weekend. And if you are the non-custodial parent, when your children get adjusted to being at your home, it may be difficult for them to think about leaving you again, even though they’re glad to see their custodial parent.
You can make transition easier for your children by allowing children to make choices about what toys, clothes, collections, etc., are kept in each home, establishing regular schedules, and be flexible enough to accommodate schedule changes.
8. Do keep children familial ties.
Children benefit from keeping the familial ties in their life that were meaningful and important to them prior to the divorce. Such familial ties may not be limited to parents but may also include extended family, such as grandparents.
9. Develop a parenting plan.
Planning how to care for children after separation can be a confusing and difficult task. This is the reason that made parenting plan so important. Having a plan can make it easier for you and your ex-spouse to work together as parents and reduce the amount of conflict between you. One way to help your children adjust to divorce become an effective parent is to have a plan, so create one for your child.
10. Do create a generally supportive and cooperative in-between parent relationship.
Children benefit to the greatest when the in-between parent relationship is generally supportive and cooperative. Though most parents know this, they find it hard to set aside their anger and resentment toward the other parent making co-parenting hardly possible. Try to remedy this situation by getting my free ebook on cooperative parenting and divorce. Visit my website and get your free “8 Essential Steps to Cooperative Parenting and Divorce” ebook.
Copyright by Ruben Francia. All Rights Reserved.
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Does Nurturing Touch Promote Physiological Development?
Thursday, September 4th, 2008Copyright (c) 2007 Liddle Kidz Infant and Children’s Pediatric Massage
Children and babies simply love to be touched. The fact is they thrive on it, and it is a crucial part of their development. Children need physical contact for healthy growth and development, and massage can play an important role in nourishing this growth.
Normal affectionate touching is important however, a regular routine of infant massage can offer additional benefits to both the caregiver and child. Nurturing touch promotes neurological, physiological and psychological function. Studies have shown increased weight gain, improved immune function, and myelination of nerves. All of these are needed in order to encourage healthy brain and muscle development.
Much of the research available today supports benefits of infant massage for babies born prematurely. This research has been ongoing since the 1970’s, and has been conducted at various institutes with infants who were born prematurely, exposed to drugs in utero, and infants that had developmental and motor problems. All categories of these babies showed benefits after receiving nurturing touch.
One specific study performed at the Touch Research Institute in Miami was the massage of preterm infants to improve growth and development. The data of this study suggests that tactile-kinesthetic stimulation can facilitate the growth and development of newborn infants. Greater weight gain and superior performance on developmental assessments persisted across the first six months for the group of infants that received the massage treatment. Dr. Tiffany Field of the Touch Research Institute in Miami has suggested that these enduring effects may be mediated by better parent-infant interactions. Heightened responsiveness of the newborn infant may enhance the early parent-infant relationships which may, in turn, contribute to optimal growth and development at later stages in infancy.
Healthy, well babies can also experience a variety of developmental and behavioral improvements when they receive regular massage from their caregivers. These benefits may include neurological development, decreased hospitalization, improved digestion and healthy weight gain.
In addition to the many actual physical benefits, massage can become a regular time for parents check in with their baby, alerting parents to subtle changes in their baby’s health and encouraging the parent to communicate with their baby in a language they understand touch.
If massage is a regular scheduled time of the day, it can also result in precious relaxation and together time for both parent and child. With the baby lying on their back, making eye to eye contact with mom or dad, they receive full focused attention that results in full communication and support. Massage deepens feelings of attachment, and enhances communication between parent and child promoting the physical and emotional well-being of babies and young children.
How to Promote Understanding and Set Limits With Kids
Sunday, June 8th, 2008Children are not usually amenable to being lectured, given moral injunctions, or being coerced into handling responsibilities. A critical issue with parenting is creating a sense of involvement. In this era, a parent must have established a positive relationship with a child before being able to promote understanding of the responsibilities the child must accomplish. A style of relating based upon mutual respect, encouragement and coaching is essential. Parents need to listen to their children and give them feedback about different ways of viewing problems and issues. Many times with my own children, I would use newspaper articles as teaching tools. For example, if some celebrity had died as a result of a drug overdose, I would hand them the article, ask them to read it and talk with them about their feelings. It is critical with children that as a parent you allow your child to make value judgments about issues and problems. In a non-threatening manner, a parent can put a child in a position to make important behavioral evaluations. Some key words are, โHow do you feel about this? Or what do you plan on doing about this problem?โ I call this โboxing a child inโ. When we, as parents, do the work of making value judgments for kids, they invariably dismiss our judgments. If we ask a child what their plan is for solving a problem, we put the responsibility back where it belongs.
A number of years ago when I was working in the chandler schools as a guidance counselor, I facilitated a parent/teacher conference for a passive teenager. During the conference, the teachers, one by one, were elaborating on the lack of motivation of this student. The student sat quietly at the conference while the parent feverishly took notes regarding her sonโs missing assignments. This process continued until I finally interrupted, โMrs. Jones, whoโs doing the work at this conference, you or your childโ. She became rather sheepish, and got my point. I slid my clipboard down the conference table and requested that the child begin taking the notes on what was missing in his academic work.
Children need structure and parents need to provide it. Itโs amazing to me the number of parents who give their kids an allowance without demanding anything in return from their children. I always suggest that parents set up a behavior chart providing their children with responsibilities. I have the parents put a monetary value on each daily item on the chart. At first, I suggest that the chart be rather short. I have the parents and child focus on 4 or 5 areas that need improvement. Each night after dinner, I suggest that the parents review the chart with their child. Areas accomplished successfully should be checked off on the chart and rewarded with tokens. At the end of the week, assuming the child has accomplished some tasks, he will get his allowance based upon tasks completed. If the child saves the money, I recommend the parents provide their child with a 10% monetary bonus. If a child displays negative behavior such as prolonged temper tantrums, disrespect toward others or fits of anger, negative consequences should be implemented. For negative consequences, focus on items that your child values the most and remove privileges for a reasonable amount of time.
It is important as a parent that you are consistent in administering a behavioral consequence system. If you canโt be consistent, then donโt implement a system. It is important that you use the behavioral consequence system as a way of removing yourself from power struggles with your kids. Parents make a major mistake in over explaining themselves to their children. If you have a rule or consequence, it needs to be enforced, not explained. Parents who try to justify their rules to their children weaken their parental role. Parents somehow believe that their children will not love them if they assert themselves with guidelines for behavior. This is nonsense. Love has nothing to do with it. Children do not respect a parent who does not set up appropriate boundaries for their conduct. Providing behavioral structure for your children is a combination of building respect, establishing rules for behavior and developing responsibility in children.