Anxiety is one of the most prevalent issues among the young clients I counsel. Children feel anxious over events or something in their environment. They experience physical and mental symptoms such as increased heart rate, sweaty palms, stomach cramps, and persistent thoughts. These anxieties may lead to sleepless nights, resistance to go places, oppositional behavior, repetitive patterns, or withdrawal. When anxiety is persistent and high, a professional should be employed. When anxiety seems time-limited or situational, then parents can use these tools to help their children cope.

1. The Worry Spill. Children and adults talk to me frequently about what I call a worry spill. The worries start out quite honestly and grow into huge monsters. A child might consistently worry that he will forget to bring his homework to school. Before he knows it, the feeling spills into fretting over whether he??ll forget his lunch, although he has never forgotten his lunch before. In these cases, worrying takes on a life of its own. Thus, containment is the only solution!

   How does one contain worrying? First, it??s important for people to visualize a worry spill. In counseling, I often draw out an Issues Map, a map shaped like the United States, for instance, with different lines separating different issues. For a child, the map might include homework, chores, band, friends, family, or world peace. Basically anything the child believes is an issue in his life. Once an Issues Map is drawn, I take a different colored pen and we decide when and where the worrying all started. Usually, there is a starting point. It could have been the day when homework wasn??t turned in or an evening when mom and dad fought. We put a big X on the spot to show our starting point. Next, we talk about how worries spill over into new worries when concerns are not addressed. We take a marker and draw the worry bleeding over into other areas on the Issues Map. By the time we are done coloring in the map, it is evident that the worries are out of control.

   Finally, we talk about containment. We discuss how worrying or anxiety is a helpful energy when we focus it on solving a particular problem. For instance, the problem might be how can I feel assured that I will remember my lunch? The solution might be to place a sign on the front door that says, ??Remember your lunch.?? If we spend time problem solving and then following through with our solutions our worries often go away. Once the original issue is solved, the other issues tend to deflate.

2. The Worry Box. Some children live with a great deal of anxiety. They worry over school. They fret over sports. They have concerns over friends and family. They feel overwhelmed. To help these children cope, I explain to them that sometimes their ??emotional cup?? feels full. Thus, when parents ask for a chore to be done, these children can easily break into tears or burst in a rage. Parents feel as if they are ??walking on eggshells?? when children are in this state. They often don??t realize how easily they can tip the emotional cup over with simple requests. Your children’s worries are important to them. And when children have too many worries, they may be cranky a lot and might even have trouble sleeping.

   One way to help relieve your children of their worries is to help define what’s bothering them and then put their worries in a literal box. First you say, ??I understand that your worries are important to you but they are also overwhelming sometimes. Your worries sometimes make you cry or get you angry and sometimes you lose sleep. I want to help you. Let??s write your worries down and then put them in this box. As you have new worries you can add them to the box. When the worries feel too heavy, I will carry them for you. I can even keep them overnight. I will take care of them and when you want them back, you can take them back. I am your parent and I will do this for you. I can handle the weight of your worries when you cannot.??

   Then you help your child write her worries on a piece of paper. Try the ??I feel?? when?? because???? formula. An example might be ??I feel afraid when I go to bed because there might be something under my bed.?? Then place the written worry in a special box. This process allows children to let go and feel safe. It??s symbolic and can show your child that she is not in this alone. Sometimes, children never come back for their worries.

3. Parent-Child Journal.?????? Opening up communication with your child is very important. If you find the talking-listening routine a little too much for now, try the parent-child journal. First, purchase a sturdy journal. Then, write the first entry on the first page describing the purpose of the journal. You might say, ??Sometimes talking about your worries is difficult. I know it has been for me at times. But writing down our problems might feel easier. I am hoping that this journal is our way to communicate about difficult things until we feel more comfortable talking about them. You will not get in trouble for anything you write and you are not expected to talk about it later. However, you??re free to talk about it if you choose.

   Open the journal with this entry: “I sometimes worry about?? and this is how I cope with that worry.?? If you have some communication skills, sit down with your child and explain that the purpose of the journal is to open up communication. Once you??ve written your entry, place the journal under your child??s pillow. Wait patiently for a response. Once you receive your child??s entry, write back thoughtfully and timely. After a while, take your child out for a ??date?? or spend alone time and talk about whatever comes up.??? Slowly but surely you??ll find that the pages of your journaling activity will come to life verbally, however, never push beyond your child??s boundaries. Pushing can lead to a shut down in communication.

These three solutions to moderate anxiety have proven helpful when parents use them calmly. It’s always important to remember that as the parent you model calm behavior and problem solving skills. Talk your children through your techniques for coping with stress. If you find that you are not great at handling your own worries, get some help for yourself and share you discoveries with your child. Stress might be a natural part of being human, but decreasing stress and anxiety certainly makes for a healthier, happier lifestyle.

What are good rules and rewards for teenagers? Why do we bother putting rules into place? Limits and guidelines during adolescence are an important part of getting the budding adult ready to leave home. During this preparation time, keeping focused on the end result (a successful adult) is important. When presenting and negotiating rules with your adolescent, begin by exploring the potential results of successfully following guidelines.

Here??s what your list might look like

• You??ve reached maturity when??
• You choose to be with family and engage politely with them during family time.
• You manage your own homework and schooling.
• You develop good solid friendships: e.g. consistent, caring and respectful.
• You balance your needs versus your wants: e.g. schooling versus electronics.
• You spend time every day engaging in housework on your own.
• You take care of your own stuff such as doing your own laundry and cleaning up after yourself.
• You manage your own schedule (academic, work, home, social).
• You take care of your body by exercising regularly, your nutrition by making good food choices and your mind by giving yourself relaxing/reflective time.
• You manage your own money for entertainment, activities, and clothing by keeping a checkbook and budget.
• You work outside the home to earn and contribute to your own care.
• You manage your time and inform your parents in detail and beforehand about your plans and schedule.
• You can cook basic meals.
• You volunteer for your community.

Do all of the above and you??ve achieved INDEPENDENCE and maturity!

Clearly all of these skills do not have to be accomplished for an adolescent to move away from home and succeed, but the majority of parents that I work with want nothing more than to raise a well-balanced and independent child. In the meantime, however, parents have to set rules that slowly but surely move the child toward independence. Rule categories might include: family time, academic expectations, use of electronics, household responsibilities, personal responsibilities, financial responsibilities, social limits, mind and body responsibilities, community responsibilities. Here??s what the rules might look like for a 13-15 year old.

Rules: the following are our expectations to help guide you toward adulthood.

1. Family time is a priority. We have one day a week exclusively for our family as well as family meals on Tuesday and Thursday.
2. All homework, exercise and chores must be done before electronics are used.
   __ (you decide) hour(s) worth of homework or studying Monday-Thursday and on Saturday so you keep up with projects as well as an understanding of the class material.
3. We expect some form of exercise for physical and mental health including walks, sports, and other exercise programs.
4. We encourage quiet time for reading and reflecting.
5. We encourage no junk food during the weekdays.
6. All electronics are off during family time.
7. Facebook, My Space, instant messaging, and texting are privileges that we support as long as they are balanced. We support your social interactions; however we reserve the absolute right to monitor any electronic exchange. We will be your ??friends?? on Facebook or MySpace. Any written diary or phone calls are clearly your private information. The difference is based on safety. We will coach you on the use of the Internet and what is acceptable to write and publish online and we will make sure your connections are appropriate.
8. Grades are important. We expect B??s and above. For Facebook, MySpace and instance messaging privileges, we need to see B??s and above on all work brought home or on webgrader (an online grading resource) from the week before. Mom and Dad will check on Monday evenings. No missing, F??s, or C??s on your weekly work. The only exception is if you are absent. Every Monday you have a new chance at good grades for the coming week. We have the right to have you delete your Facebook, MySpace, instant messaging, and cell phone accounts if these rules are not followed.
9. If you achieve a ___ (GPA) for the Semester, you get to start driver??s education.
   Chores are essential. We depend on your participation in managing the household. You get your age in allowance ($1 x 14 = $14) for finishing chores. Although we will assign chores generally, our goal is for you to look around the house and make helpful contributions rather than us having to ask you to do a chore.
10. You need to do your own laundry on Saturdays.
11. You will contribute one meal a week. We will teach you how to cook several meals.
12. You now have your own checking account. We will give you a monthly allowance for your monthly entertainment. This will not include your cash allowance on Mondays for household chores. This is the money we have always spent on you for entertainment (friend??s birthdays, movies, etc.) that amount you will now manage. You will need to budget it so that you have money throughout the month. As you get older, you will receive budgeted money for other expenditures like clothes, cell phone bills, etc. Mom and Dad will help you budget your money and learn to use a checking register.

As the adolescent reaches 16-18 years of age, the rules change depending on your child??s level of maturity. Teenagers need continued guidance, like the rules offered above, but others need more freedom in order to exert their own judgment. I recommend adding a curfew for adolescents 16 years old and above. Allowing for more freedom at this age ?? allowing your children to make more choices, even some controversial ones ?? allows them the freedom to fail while still under your protective roof. Keep in mind that 18 is just around the corner. Learning important life lessons in your teens while living at home provides a safe environment in which growth can take place.

* Diapers:??? Most babies that are fed using the PDF method usually need a diaper change at each feeding time.??? This means that your baby will need about 6-8 diapers a day or more.??? Many new parents time the diaper changes with the after dinner bowel movement, but if you miss it, you will just have a few more diapers to change during the day.???

* Diaper rash:??? Sensitive skin is a common problem for some babies and they may get a diaper rash due to a food allergy, yeast infection, sitting too long in a wet or messy diaper, or teething.??? If you notice your baby beginning to get a diaper rash, talk to your pediatrician about which diaper rash medicine will work for your baby.???

* Growth spurts:??? Growth spurts can start as early as 10 days after your baby??s birth.??? Growth spurts usually are preceded by a sleepy, lethargic day and a big jump in appetite.??? Growth spurts may happen again at 3, 6, and 12 weeks and again at 4 and 6 months.??? If you begin to notice that your child is not as satisfied with the amount that you have been feeding her previously, then she may be beginning a growth spurt period.??? If you are breastfeeding, you may want to add a feeding or two to satiate your baby??s appetite and to help increase milk production.???

* Immunizations:??? With all of the conflicting reports on immunizations, you may be unsure about whether or not you want your child to receive immunizations.??? I think that there are simply too many fatal diseases that can be prevented by immunizing your baby to take the chance.??? If you are unsure, then you need to talk with your pediatrician, but understand that the reason that the infant mortality rate is so low in this country is because immunizations are routinely done.???

* Pacifiers & thumb sucking:??? If you breastfeed, do not allow your child to use you as their pacifier.??? If your baby seems to have a need to suck beyond eating, then you need to give them a pacifier.??? There is no ??nipple confusion?? between a breast nipple and a pacifier as they are very different in feel and taste.??? Babies will know the difference between the two.??? Some children do not want a pacifier but will suck on their thumb.??? If you don??t have a problem with it, then let them.???

* Spitting up:??? It is very common for babies to spit up, but some babies do it more than others.??? If your baby is growing normally, then there is no need to worry about it.??? Projectile throwing up is not the same as spitting up.??? Projectile throwing up is a violent reaction to reject the contents of the stomach and not just ??burping?? up a little milk.??? If your baby does this frequently, consult your pediatrician.???

Attachment parenting (AP), a phrase coined by pediatrician William Sears, is a parenting philosophy based on the principles of the attachment theory in developmental psychology. According to attachment theory, a strong emotional bond with parents during childhood, also known as a secure attachment, is a precursor of secure, empathic relationships in adulthood.

Attachment parenting describes a parenting approach rooted in attachment theory. Attachment theory proposes that the infant has a tendency to seek closeness to another person and feel secure when that person is present. In attachment theory, children attach to their parents because they are social beings, not just because they need other people to satisfy drives and attachment is part of normal child development.

Dr. Sears?? attachment tools, also known as the seven B??s, is a style of caring for your infant that brings out the best in the baby and the best in the parents. The B??s include birth bonding, breastfeeding, baby-wearing, bedding close to baby, belief in the language value of your baby??s cry, beware of baby trainers and balance.

Dr. Sears reminds the parents of his patients that AP is a starter style, and that there could be medical, environmental, or family circumstances that could prevent parents from practicing each of the seven B??s, and that they are to be a tool to get parents off on the right start.??? It??s not to be considered a strict set of rules, but encourages responsive parents by recognizing their baby??s cues and level of needs.???

He again emphasizes the phrase ??tool?? over ??steps.????? A tool can be individually chosen based on its usefulness, whereas a step implies that each must be used in a correct order to get the job done.?????? He encourages parents to stick with what??s working and adjust those tools that aren??t. This process will help parents design their own parenting style unique to them that helps baby and parents plug into one another.

One of my most painful experiences was going through a divorce. It brought with it a huge pile of self-doubt. I wondered if I had any goodness left. I wondered if I’d ever trust another again. I felt overwhelmed with the tasks I saw in my future. I was exhausted just thinking about it!

Every good soldier knows not to cross a battlefield without a map of where the land mines are buried. Your battlefield has become, by default, raising your children in the best manner you know how. For the sake of the children, it would be great if you and the spouse you are divorcing could sit down and create this parenting plan together. If that’s not possible, then you need to provide some answers to these questions. Deciding ahead of the time when crucial issues must be decided will give you an edge.

About The Children’s Feelings

1. You need to decide just how to share with your children that you’re getting a divorce. If you don’t think quickly on your feet, write it down ahead of time on paper.

2. Make sure they know it was not due to anything they did.

3. Tell them what changes you know have to be made and that you’ll make them together. Let them know you’ll try to keep as much the same as you can.

4. Decide that you won’t say anything to them (like making promises) that you can’t follow through on. Their stability leans on your follow through.

5. Decide not to badmouth your ex in front of your child. He still loves him or her and deserves to.

6. Children need both parents. Try to keep moving out of the picture.

About Custody

1. Keep up relationships with in-laws whenever possible. It’s part of your kids stability.

2. Decide here and now not to use your child’s time with his other parent as a battering ram to punish your ex. It will hurt your child.

3. If your ex doesn’t show up when promised, don’t make it a big deal in front of your kids, no matter how angry that absence makes you.

4. Decide right now that you will not grill your children when they come home from visiting their other parent about him/her or their new mate.

5. Keep an information sheet with all statistical data about the child and be sure his other parent and his child care giver has a copy.

6. Determine which holidays and school breaks will be spent with which parent.

7. Share information about the child’s health, school, etc. with his other parent.

8. When communicating, remember this: your child’s greatest good is the most important thing.

9. If the child support cannot be paid on time, it can be collected by the court.

10. Which parent will provide health care coverage?

About Goals For The Children

1. See if you and your ex can establish the same levels of discipline. Be reasonable. Examine what TV shows they can watch; what bedtime needs to be honored; what language is appropriate for example.

2. Determine that homework has to be monitored by both of you, not just the parent the child is living with.

3. Decide with your ex where you’d like to see the kids’ achievements in the future and work to keep that goal in mind.

4. Don’t permit your child to become alienated from his other parent. He needs both parents.

5. Children thrive when their routines aren’t varied. Each parent should try to honor the child’s normal routine. Consistency will help keep your child level and achieving normally.

6. Consequences for misbehaviors have to be kept consistent by each parent. Decide what they will be and then follow through.

7. Determine what your standards are for achievement in school and each of you work to support the child to achieve them.

8. If your children have special needs, address how they will be supplied by each of you.

About Your Feelings

1. Don’t confide your personal less-than feelings to your child. She/he is not a therapist. She/he cannot solve for you.

2. You will need some alone time. Set this up with your ex. Do whatever it takes to keep yourself sane and level – bubble baths; gardening; a hobby. You’ll know.

3. Get a coach, a minister, an older aunt/uncle who can help you through tough situations that occur. You’ll benefit from having a support team.

4. You will have to put your children’s needs before your own until they are grown. Don’t ignore your own needs, however. They must be addressed.

5. If there are disputes over child rearing, seek the help of an arbitrator. Don’t feel so all alone.

6. Admit that you were wrong to your children if you were. Children love honesty and, frankly, they already knew you were wrong. When you’re honest with them, their esteem of you will increase and you’ll get to enjoy an open relationship.

These ideas are not all inclusive. There’s a lot more you can find on the internet to flesh these in. With a parenting plan, you can prevent your kids from the negative effects your divorce might have on them. It can also prevent a second divorce and your children certainly don’t need that. I don’t want to see that happen to you either.

Co-parenting isn??t easy. It??s actually quite a chore. When neither parent is willing to negotiate or communicate, the child has the job of transitioning from one parenting style to the other. As a parent educator and family therapist, I have seen many anxious and confused children affected by their parents?? inconsistent rules and styles. Sometimes children do this under the same roof and sometimes under two, but the bottom line is that it is the parents?? responsibility to create a balance.

Parenting skills vary much like personalities. The differences can be as subtle as the setting of bedtimes to as serious as choosing consequences for bad behavior. The bottom line is adults have a number of motivations for parenting. For instance, they might try to do better than their parents. Thus, we attempt to find new and effective strategies to raise good kids. These ambitions can be difficult enough. Now add the challenge of joining forces with another adult who was raised by different parents and who may be select different strategies.

So how do parents, married or divorced, stay clear and consistent, raise confident children, and feel influential as parents? They learn how to work together and become better co-parents! Here are several successful co-parenting steps.

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1. Identify your personal style and motivations. Your first job in becoming a successful co-parent is to figure out your general style and motivations. If it were all up to you, how would you parent? How would you motivate your children? How would you use punishment and encouragement? What are the top 10 values you would like to teach your kids? Now ask yourself WHY? Why would your style be that way? What is your motivation? How did your parents parent you? Are you attempting to repeat their upbringing or compensate for it?

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2. Share your parenting style and motivation with your co-parent. I understand that you might feel vulnerable sharing your style and motivation. Your style may be different than your spouse??s style. In order for you and your partner to co-parent successfully, you both need to appreciate and support the ideas you bring to the table. When you listen to where the other parent is coming from, it will allow you to join forces.

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3. Before deciding on a parenting style and direction, consult parenting books and classes. Now that you have looked at each other??s parenting style, take a look together at good parenting books and the current research. Report back to each other and consider how your styles measure up.

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4. Decide on a parenting style. You now have several examples of parenting strategies and philosophies. Its time to blend what you believe with what your co-parent believes and what the experts say. This is the ultimate in negotiation but remember that if you do not negotiate at the adult level, it leaves your child to figure it out. Once you??ve decided, then write down the basics and embrace your new co-parenting style.

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5. Implement your new co-parenting style. Now you parent! Both parents are on the same page. Children are clear on what is expected of them and what the consequences are if they do not follow the family expectations. Thus, it lessens the occasions of arguing between the parents and the opportunities for manipulation by the children.

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6. Hold weekly co-parenting meetings with your spouse. Since you are the CEOs of your family and are business partners in a very real way, you must stay in constant communication. The success or failure of your family rests in your capable hands. Thus, co-parenting meetings are a must! These meetings should include finances, home maintenance, parenting, and relationship issues. Meetings should be held weekly with schedule book, meeting journal and budget book in hand. Continue to review your parenting style. You may find that one child thrives under your new system while another loses balance. Good co-parents always re-evaluate and restructure when necessary.

We are busy parents today. It is difficult to take the time to evaluate our parenting styles but the payoff is big for you as a parenting unit as well as for your child. Co-parenting takes the pressure off our children and the conflict out of our lives.