When I worked in the corporate world as a business analyst it wasn’t a stretch for me to think in systems. In an office environment processes and procedures are established to create order and establish habits. Often office systems are documented in a Procedure Manual for all to follow. We are also accustomed to having the supplies needed in our work space in order for us to perform our job and to follow the company’s systems.

When I became a Professional Organizer in 2003, it occurred to me that we can transfer this same ‘systems theory’ to managing our home. You manage your home in systems as well. So what do I mean by a home management system?

It is a set of procedures and processes, or a routine/habit that is put in place in your home to manage five key variables:

- Space

- Your stuff

- Information flow

- Your time

- Relationships-with those for whom you share your space

Develop systems to manage these variables and you have designed solutions to calm the chaos of your daily life. A system can be as simple as a labeled folder, to a specific organizing product designed to hold all your personal information, to a consistent routine or process for yourself and your family for the repetitive tasks you perform regularly. These routines/processes done consistently become habits.

One of my favorite quotes, by Ben Franklin, is … “To change a habit begin immediately and let no single exception to occur.”

Consistency is the key to establishing a habit. Research shows that in order to establish a behavior as a habit, the behavior must be performed consistently for three weeks or 21 days.

When I work personally with clients, I assess the systems they have in place and those that are missing. So what systems should you consider to simplify your home? Here’s a list of home organization systems I suggest that my clients consider:

- System for keeping track of your daily schedule

- System for processing incoming mail

- from the mailbox and from children’s bookbags

- System (or consistent home) for finding car keys, purse/wallet, cel-phone, laptop, etc.

- System for paying bills on time

- System for teaching and delegating household chores within the family – System for food shopping (grocery list and organizing coupons)

- System for keeping track of daily and weekly ‘To Dos’ (actions)

- System for regular decluttering / weeding – System for tracking birthdays, anniversaries

- System for the home laundry process

- System (routine) for getting out of the house on time for work, appointments, meetings

- System for staying focused and productive (i.e., timer, alarm)

- System for processing children’s school papers

- System for keeping track of home information (warranties, operations manuals, room dimensions, carpet samples, etc.) – System for family communication

- System for merchandise returns, errand-running

- System for weeding out no longer needed clothing

- System for filing and retrieving vital family records

I call this a ‘Home Systems Checklist’ and I give this checklist to new clients so they can evaluate and analyze the need for these systems in their own home. So how about you? I invite you to use this list to do the same in your home. Also think about the supplies you need to establish these systems. You too can get organized by creating systems in your home or office.

When it comes to your aging or elderly parents and their relationship choices, do you think of yourself as:

* Enlightened?; or,

* At least, moderately cool?; or,

* How about, somewhat willing to give the benefit of the doubt even though you’re all scrunched up inside at the very thought that they – your beloved, getting older by the moment – parents would do what you believe they’re up to?; or

* Totally shut down, do not mention that in my presence, unwilling to consider the options?

Interesting, isn’t it? We pass judgement on our parents even though we totally hate the thought of them passing judgement on us for the same sorts of things. Talk about a double standard!

But, you have to admit that by our midlife perspectives, some things are tougher for us to imagine our parents doing than to imagine ourselves pulling off.

Things like ……………… sex.

Things like ………………. having a perfectly healthy relationship with a member of the opposite gender after losing a spouse.

Things like ………………. falling in love with someone we (their children) neither know nor approve.

Did I mention things like sex?!

Of course, who do we think we are to be sticking our midlife noses into their private lives? Why, we’re their kids damn it! We have a stake in this! Shouldn’t we/you have first right of refusal?!

You’re so funny.

Let’s think about this for a moment:

- I’m not talking about extra-marital stuff here. However, if your parent has lost a spouse (i.e., you’ve lost one of your parents), they spent how many years loving – or at least tolerating – the emptiness can be incredible.

- You have your own life. Yes, you feel the loss and the hurt, but for the most part you have your own family or involvements. Remember how busy you always say you are when those same getting older by the minute parents ask for a little of your time? Umhmm, that.

- Are you really so selfish that you feel you’ve any business denying your remaining parent happiness? How would you feel if they did that to you? And, even if they did do that to you . . . didn’t you learn anything from the experience?!

- Do I note a little fear that you might have to start sharing what you thought was yours alone (i.e., your parent) with someone else (i.e., that other person)?

- Even worse, what about your inheritance?! You don’t really believe your parents’ things are owed to you, do you? And then having to share, or even worse, to sacrifice your “rightful belongings” to your parent’s happiness or some such. Oh come now.

I see your point.

No, actually, I don’t.

You know, relationships are strange and amazing things no matter what the ages of the participants. We get so caught up in how things ought to be done in our narrow little view of the world, that we forget we aren’t the only ones living in that world. If that’s how you’ve been living your life, come out from under your rock. Try breathing a little!

If nothing else, consider how you would want to be treated given similar circumstances a few years down the road. Or, think of how you might have preferred being treated when you were younger – if your choice wasn’t your parents’ choice – and respond through that learning.

Your parents, no matter what their ages, are adults. In fact, they were adults before you even arrived on the scene! That means they’ve seen more, felt more, and lost far more than you my friend. They’re survivors. Now, just because you don’t necessarily approve of some of the choices they’ve made to survive and perhaps even to thrive – in life’s second half, so be it.

And if one of those choices involves “love”, who are you to stand in the way . . unless, of course, there are some serious physical, emotional, psychological issues going on . . which are actually not as common as you might want to imagine? As I said, relationships are strange and amazing things. And, they keep us young at heart. Now, that’s healthy!

You know, a friend of mine wrote a book a couple years ago that focuses on just this sort of thing: Late Life Love: Romance & New Relationships in Later Years by Connie Goldman is a godsend of a book to adult children and their aging parents as well. It consists of a series of interviews with 22 couples who have connected and discovered romance – of varying sorts – in their later years.

If you’re having a tough time coming to terms with your aging parents’ “choices of the heart” get your hands on this book and sit down for some real learning. You owe it to yourself. Heaven forbid, you owe it to your parents!

Just do it . . . if for no other reason than to give yourself hope that aging isn’t a dead end. (Of course, most dead ends are turns in a direction we hadn’t anticipated. But, they can be a little scary while we’re trying to figure them out). Just like growing older can be scary, and falling in love can be scary, and living life to the fullest can be the scariest of all.

Get the book. Give your aging parents a break, and a little credit. And, keep growing my friend!

Many people are in dual-income households, since the prevailing “norm” has shifted from the “bread-winner” model to the dual-income model.� In such cases, many people have to work a full day at the office or job and then come home to another full-time or part-time job of raising a family.� And family responsibilities are not limited to raising children.� Many working parents also have care-giving responsibilities for their parents and/or parents-in-law.� All of these responsibilities can and often do lead to stress and lack of work-life balance, as well as the feeling of not meeting all responsibilities fully.

Additionally, the average American’s work-day now exceeds the eight-hour norm, with many people expected to work “mandatory” and continual overtime.� Because we glorify workaholics in our culture, many people feel pressured to work extra hours of overtime to impress their bosses or earn an extra bonus.� But the extra hours take a toll on your health and productivity.� They also leave less time to enjoy spending with family and friends.

The advent of new technology has helped push Americans into working longer hours.� Electricity allowed us to work early morning hours before dawn and longer hours after dark.� The widespread availability of mobile phones and pagers has made us to reachable by our employers outside the normal work hours and work locations.� When we would have traditionally been at home and spending uninterrupted time with our family, now many of us are taking calls and working on our laptops or other mobile devices.

All of these factors lead to less leisure time and less time to spend on our personal and family lives.� Reclaiming work-life balance is about taking the time to slow down and assess your priorities.� By taking the time to listen to yourself and reassess what is most important in your life, you will be able to make choices that reflect your values and priorities.� For many people, building healthy and fulfilling relationships with their families is a priority that they have neglected.� Refocusing on the importance of healthy family relationships is often a result when people reclaim their work-life balance and make choices that reflect their values.�

For people who didn’t have time to spend with their children, they find many unique ways to increase the quality and quantity of family time.� It can mean designating one night as “date night” with your spouse.� It can mean designating one night a week (or more!) as “family night” with no practices, games, or other outside activities that take away from their time together as a family.� It can mean making “family dinner” a priority and a nightly event, where parents and kids reconnect with each other and share stories of their day, as well as eating healthy and nourishing meals, instead of high-calorie, high-fat fast food meals on the go.�

By planning ahead and including your children in the preparations, whether it be having them choose activities for “family night” or setting the table and helping prepare the family dinner, these activities become a way to reclaim time with your family that enhances the quality of your life.� Rebalancing your career and your personal life is more than working less and spending more time on yourself and/or your family.� It is also about slowing down and listening to your self, understanding your values and what stresses you and what relaxes you, and making time for the things and people in your life that you value the most.

- Maya Angelou

Many people who consult with me regarding their family histories are also adamant that they want to do the work themselves. I encourage that. Who knows your personal stories better than you do? Producing life story legacies through books or videos is a priceless gift that brings families together and enhances lives for generations to come. Let 2005 be the year that you start to weave the tapestry of your family’s life in words and photographs!

Don’t get bogged down with difficulties that prevent you from moving forward with your stories. Here are three of the most common life story writing challenges and some easy solutions for them:

“I can’t seem to keep writing.”

Consult a personal historian for a list of story-starters or a coaching session, so that you can get excited about your project all over again. Find a writing group to join or start one of your own that is devoted to life story writing and willing to meet at least every two weeks. Read some good books on the subject – “Writing The Memoir” by Judith Barrington is particularly helpful and includes a section on forming a group. Join an ongoing e-course to keep you motivated – Recollections offers one or you can research others on the Internet.

“I can’t locate all the facts – birth dates, immigrant ship landings, military regiments, etc.”

If you need help with research, Information Desk Librarians at the local libraries are a great help! A personal historian can also point you in the right direction. Often, all it takes is a visit to the right website or the location of the right genealogy book or magazine.

“I’ve got everything written down, but I’m not sure it makes sense.”

This is where a good writer/editor, one who specializes in memoir and personal history, can come in. An editor can tidy up your work in a practical manner, assist with sentence structure and flow and otherwise make your words sing! The difference between a jumble of dry facts and a personal history is as near as your telephone. If you want to do your own editing but aren’t sure how to go about it, an editorial consultation will help point you in the right direction.

Are you feeling stuck in some way that hasn’t been covered here? Please don’t be discouraged! There are many resources available to help you capture your family memories and those of your relatives – in print, on audio or video. I sincerely hope this is your year to begin such an important project!

Copyright (C) 2004 Carol M. Upton

Or what about the time that your little sister. . .?

Or how about the time that your mom was making. . .and burned the. . .?

You probably have hundreds of these stories tucked away in your memory. Perhaps you’ve even thought that someday you would like to write about them. There’s only one problem. “I don’t know where to start — I wouldn’t know what to write,” you think to yourself.

One simple technique that will help you recall those stories and put them into written form is called “clustering,” which is featured in a book titled Writing the Natural Way by Gabriele Lusser Rico (copyright 1983; J.P. Tarcher, Inc.)

Whether you are aiming for publication or whether you just want to write down your stories for your children and grandchildren isn’t important. The technique will help you to recall your life stories.

Materials needed: several sheets of paper; a pen or a pencil.

1. Find a comfortable place that’s quiet where you can work for 15 to 30 minutes without being interrupted (kitchen table; desk in your office; easy chair in your living room).

2. Think of a subject that is meaningful for you, such as Christmas, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Valentine’s Day, Fourth of July, Easter, New Year’s Day. Other possibilities include birthdays, a beloved pet, a best friend, an older brother or sister, a younger brother or sister, a cousin, grandmother, grandfather, your mom or dad, a neighbor who was like a mother/father/grandmother/grandfather. Additional possibilities could include an enjoyable hobby, such as growing flowers, vegetable gardening, baking cookies, baking cakes, making candy, or sewing.

3. Write the subject that you have selected in the center of one of the sheets of paper and then circle it.

4. Draw a line with an arrow from your central word. Put it wherever it feels “right” to you. Up or down. Left or right. At an angle. Fill in the point of the arrow. Filling in the arrow will give your brain a few seconds to make the connection to the next word or phrase associated with your subject. The basis of the whole exercise is to allow your left brain and right brain to work together (to coordinate the analytical and the creative).

5. Draw another circle and write down the word or phrase inside the circle that has popped into your mind.

6. Repeat the steps of drawing arrows and circles and writing down the words or phrases that come to mind.

7. At some point in the exercise, you will suddenly think of an introductory sentence and you will feel a STRONG urge to start writing. Do not ignore the urge. Take another sheet of paper and start writing immediately. Do not try to edit what you are writing. Do not try to over-think what you are writing. Let yourself write what comes to mind.

8. Write for as long as the words keep coming.

9. When you feel that you have nothing more to say on the subject, put down your pen or pencil and relax for a few moments, then read what you have written. Whether it’s one paragraph, a whole page, or several pages — congratulations! You have just written the first of your life stories!

10. Set your story aside for an hour or two or even a day or two. When you read it again, you may find that you have remembered more details that you would like to add. If so, go ahead and add them. If not, and you are satisfied with the piece, that’s fine, too.

This exercise can be repeated for virtually any subject. You can also use it to help flesh out parts of your story to add more detail. Focus on a key word for a certain section of the story and see where the clustering technique takes you.

If you are interested in interviewing family members to record their life stories, be sure to check out LeAnn’s e-book: “Preserve Your Family History (A Step-by-Step Guide for Writing Oral Histories)” at http://ruralroute2.com — “Preserve Your Family History” ($7.95) contains more than 400 questions on 30 different topics to help you conduct your interviews. Even if you only record those interviews on tape (and don’t actually write the oral history), you will still have collected some of your family stories. And isn’t that the important thing?

One of the most common feelings experienced when you go through a divorce is anger. It’s pretty universal whether you initiated the divorce or not.

There are several reasons for this. Of course there is the rejection that’s experienced when your spouse tells you they don’t want to be married to you anymore. But then you throw in all of the other details such as the kid’s reaction to the family separating, splitting up finances and possessions, and everyone else’s reaction to the divorce, you’re bound to have an angry outburst once in awhile.

While the feeling of anger is universal, the way it is expressed varies. In this article we’ll review 3 of the most common reasons for divorce anger.

Acknowledging that you’re angry is the first step to being able to manage it. Don’t try to ignore it and act like it isn’t there. Doing this just causes you to explode and possibly hurt someone unintentionally – like your children.

1. Anger toward your ex-spouse

They are an easy target aren’t they? It’s not difficult to see them as the ones responsible for everything.

If your spouse left you – they are the horrible person who did this to you. If you chose to leave – it was because your spouse was such a lousy partner. While anger at the beginning of the divorce process is to be expected, what happens if you carry it around with you like a badge of honor? How helpful is that to you in the long run? How helpful is that to your children?

2. Anger your kids express toward you about the divorce

Kids don’t like change. They like their lives to be simple, with no wild cards thrown in. When a divorce decision is made, it’s out of their control. They don’t have a say in it and there will be so many changes for them. You can expect some anger because they know their lives will be drastically altered.

3. Anger at the changes in your circumstances

Let’s face it, your life is different now. This couple you’ve been a part of no longer exists. This family you helped create has altered in appearance. You are now a single parent. What does that mean to you not only as a parent but as an individual too?

More than likely, your financial circumstances have changed. This may have caused a move, a new job, less luxuries and more stress.

These are the three main reasons for the overwhelming feelings of anger during and right after a divorce. Now that you know them, it’s important to figure out what to do with them.

“I love daisies too,” she told him several nights after they first met. She wasn’t sure why she blurted it out but it seemed the normal thing to say considering the conversation they were having.

They were talking about “favorite things” the way you do when you are trying to get to know someone. Small talk that keeps the conversation flowing:

“My favorite color is green, 18 is my lucky number, and my favorite food is pizza.” When she jokingly asked if he had a favorite flower he replied, “Nope, but my mom loves daisies.” She brightened up immediately because daisies have long been one of her favorites and she was impressed that he knew what type of flower his mother liked the best.

They began to spend more and more time with each other until their relationship seemed like a night in August; hot and steamy. Before long wedding bells rang and the happy couple started their lives together as man and wife.

He loved to bring flowers home, usually roses but occasionally he would bring home mixed flowers or carnations. He never needed a holiday or special occasion, he did it because her expression never changed, she was always genuinely surprised by his thoughtfulness.

As with many marriages, it wasn’t long before their home was filled with the cries of a baby; a baby boy named after his father. Many floral arrangements were sent to the happy mother to celebrate the birth of her child, including two dozen long stemmed roses with a card that read, “Thank you for our son, I will always love you!”

The baby grew up quickly and before his parents could believe it, he was celebrating his fifth birthday. On the day of his birthday, the father pulled his son aside before his party started to have a “father~son” talk with him.

The mother noticed and just smiled because she thought her husband was reminding their son to behave and be a good boy at the party.

The party was fun for everyone that attended, young and old alike. After the presents were opened, the little boy turned to his mother and said, “Mommy, I have a present for you too.”

He walked out of the room and returned almost instantly with a gigantic bouquet of daisy flowers. His mother couldn’t believe her eyes and she wondered how her little boy could have possibly known that she loved daisies. It was then that she remembered the “father~son” talk earlier in the day. She turned to her husband and asked, “How did you ever remember?”

He smiled and replied, “Your favorite number is 18, you love the color green and pizza is your favorite food, right?” “Right, but you have given me flowers so many times and you have never, not once given me daisies,” she continued, “I just thought you had forgotten after so many years.”

He just smiled and said, “The moment you told me your favorite flower, I knew our son would give you daisies on his fifth birthday.” She looked confused so he continued, ” I gave my mother daisies for the first time on the day I turned five too!” “The first time?” she asked. “Yup, my father pulled me aside on the day of my fifth birthday and I have given daisies to my mother every year since.”

Now his wife was genuinely shocked. “You have given your mother daisies every year since you have been five?” “Yes, I do it because I love her and I am happy that she is my mother,” he answered. With surprise in her voice she asked, “How come you never told me that you did such a thoughtful thing for your mom?” “Simple,” he said, “I didn’t want to ruin your surprise!”

In the olden days, bread baking was a daily routine. Many times a loaf of warm, fresh from the oven bread, with a topping of fresh-churned butter was a meal – in times of hardship, in times of scarcity.
Today, the food industry provides a mind-boggling array of bread products – your choice, to mix and match to your heart’s content. They did, however, with all the magic of science, leave out “just a little”. That little is the aroma or scent of fresh-baking bread, a hint of spice, and the texture of kneaded dough that provided not only sustenance but a form of “therapy” for the baker. It wouldn’t take much to take a step back in time and give your family and friends that old-fashioned, yet timely, welcoming aroma that just brings them to the kitchen, awakens even the most sluggish appetite, and the smiles – well, that is the true “icing” on the bread.
The convenience of electric mixers with dough hooks and even bread machiens, frozen loaves of bread that just need to have that “finishing touch” – there is really no excuse not to bake bread, not because you have to – but because you want to.
Fall and all the upcoming holidays are an inspiration for your own creativity with spices, fruits, and other delights that give your loaf your “perfect touch”. Bread baking – memory making – they just go together.
Try it – and the rewards will just bring you back to the kitchen to bake “one more loaf”.
ENJOY!
ฉArleen M. Kaptur 2003 September

Anger is normal with divorce. It becomes a problem when you hold on to it. How many of us can instantly think of a bitter divorcee? That person who smirks and rolls their eyes whenever their ex-spouses name is ever mentioned. Got the idea?

Today, let’s focus on 3 reasons why holding onto that anger is not a good choice for you or your children.

1. It imprisons you in the past

This is anger about a relationship that is not in your future, it is ONLY in your past. You may be co-parenting with your ex-spouse and have a connection to them in that way, but no longer are you romantically linked with them.

Holding onto the anger keeps you focused on what could or should have been. There are broken dreams with the death of any marriage.

It also keeps you focused on only the bad things that happened in the relationship. All we focus on are things that fuel our anger when we are this upset. It’s as if we have glasses on with a lens that filters out any happy times in order to continue feeding that anger.

2. It doesn’t allow you to move forward

You aren’t able to focus on the possibilities that lie ahead of you. All you can see are aspects of that past relationship.

It also causes you to hold onto the pain from that broken relationship. Wherever you go you carry around that extra baggage of pain. Think about it, would you be interested in going on a date with someone who spends the evening complaining about their ex-spouse?

3. Ultimately holding onto that anger hurts your children

Your children love both of you very much. That aspect has not changed for them just because the two of you are no longer married.

Children are very adept at knowing when their parents are fighting whether it’s done right in front of them or not. It is very confusing for kids when these two people they love are at odds. They can’t make sense of how this is possible. This confusion typically creates a lot of anxiety for children. In response to that anxiety, frequently they take on the responsibility of maintaining the peace rather than just being children.

Is it wrong to be angry? No! Anger is an emotion felt without our control. The way we react to the emotion such as blowing up, or choosing to fester in it is completely in our control! You have a choice to make. No, this is not an easy process and it doesn’t just happen overnight.

Have you ever watched those tv decorating shows, you know, the ones that promise to help you redecorate your home on a tight budget? Were you ever amazed to then find, by tight budget they mean $500, or even $1000? I have, and I don’t know about you, but their budget is WAY out of my budget! Now don’t get me wrong, these shows have great ideas, I watch them all the time for ideas myself. But I thought it might be fun to do a breakdown of a simulation of a typical show, and then show you The Budget Decorator’s way!

Typical Living room re-do on tv:

Paint$25
Fabric for Curtains$80
Accessories$100
Extra Furnishings$150
Rug$150

Grand Total$505

Typical Re-do for a Budget Decorator (Not unlike yourself!)

Paint$15 (Decent brand on sale)
Fabric$12 (Sheets on sale, stamped or stenciled yourself, even extra for pillows!)
Accessories$10 (A few dollar picture frames filled with garden catalog photos, ceramic pitcher from the kitchen filled with flowers, books stacked, dollar store candles on homemade candleholders, plants from cuttings, you get the idea!)
Extra Furnishings$15 (Tables made from glass rounds and clay pots, garage sale dresser painted by you for a side table, thrift store entertainment center with a great faux finish, done by you, of course!)
Rug$16 (Floorcloth painted by you on a clearance piece of vinyl flooring, I even included the price for a quart of sealant!)

Grand Total The Budget Decorator’s way? $68.

Now that is a difference of $437. I don’t know about you, but I have a whole lot of better
places to spend my $437. A little creativity and a little work, and you can spread your
expenses over time if you need to. And visit me at TheBudgetDecorator.com for more
great ideas!
Copyright 2002 K. Wilson