Being a divorced parent can initially be a scary experience. You’ve just been emotionally slammed. The partner that you made a life time commitment to has fled the scene, and you are now scratching your head and feeling overwhelmed with dozens of questions scurrying around inside your head, juggling like a maniac. How am I going to take care of these kids? Will I have a social life ever again? Will my parents be disappointed? Will I have to listen to my sister June say “I told you he was a creep?” Will the kids have abandonment issues? It goes on and on.

This scenario is the one that pops out first when divorce happens to your life. It is motivated by fear. I’ve always thought it was funny that while I know I have a fine mentality and that you do too, it’s almost lost in the shuffle when fear enters into my mind. It’s like going instantly deaf, dumb and blind. Fear can be anesthetized, though, and I’d like to tell you how.

Fear is destroyed through choice. You can choose to consciously tell yourself “No. That’s fear talking. What do I really want to permit to filter through my mind?” And then you choose the flip side which is Love.

If you were ever religious in your life, at some point you probably heard the words of St. Paul about love – that love is patient, kind, doesn’t envy, doesn’t brag, isn’t proud, doesn’t behave itself inappropriately, doesn’t seek its own way, is not provoked, takes no account of evil; doesn’t rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

This love, then, is a pretty powerful commodity and wouldn’t you imagine that love would be something you’d like to have in your parental tool bag and use frequently?

What is the most practical form in which love can be used by you? It’s acceptance. And the main way that acceptance is put into play is the acceptance of each person’s individuality, including your own. Accept the way you are. Accept the way your kids are. Accept the way your ex is. It’s the most practical way you can love each of them and keep fear at arm’s length.

Does this mean mushy gushiness? Nope. It means a calm, rational state of consideration where you simply be what you are and allow them to be that too. When you remove fear from the soup, it becomes so much easier to swallow.

Does this mean that you now accept the way each of us is and none of us will ever have to lift a finger again to improve? Nope. It means that when the foundation of acceptance (love) is there, no negativity will anchor us to this current state and we can move naturally and gracefully into whatever we create next for our life.

To be successful at this as a divorced parent, begin by recognizing fear’s hot breath inside you. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, calm it down by saying “No! I choose love.” Move into self-acceptance and then other-acceptance. You’ll be a wonderful parent to your children – they’ll be well taken care of and you will have minimized their abandonment issues. And more importantly, you’ll have headed off that growing statistic for second divorces.

Roger and Laura were both on the phone for their first phone session with me. Laura described what the problem was for her.

“Roger is never present – not with me, not with our daughter. He just does his own thing and doesn’t consider what anyone else might need. If I get upset or irritated, he completely retreats and waits for me to fix it. He can retreat for days at a time and the energy around the house is awful. I try to take care of myself, but I just can’t be around his negativity.

“On top of that, if I ask him to do something, he either refused to do it, or says he will do it and then doesn’t, or ends up messing it up. I know he is competent because of the work he does, but he sure doesn’t act competent at home. The only time he is really interested in me is when I’ve completely pulled back. If I want anything from him, he retreats. I can’t live like this anymore!”

“Roger,” I said, “Do you know what Laura is talking about?”

“I know what she is talking about, but I don’t see it the way she does. I just feel like she always wants something from me. I end up feeling criticized and trapped a lot. I shut down to get away from feeling trapped.”

“Do you still feel this way, now that she wants out of the marriage?”

“It’s funny that you should ask that. No. As soon as she said she wanted out, all of my feelings for her came back. I can’t figure it out!”

“Roger, was one or both of your parents controlling with you?”

“Yes, my mother. She was incredibly controlling.”

“And did you learn various ways of resisting her?”

“Yes!” Roger laughs. He obviously gets pleasure out of being resistant.

Roger has a deep fear of engulfment. As soon as someone wants something from him, his terror of losing himself is activated and he automatically resists. He does not even stop to ask himself if he wants to do whatever it is the other person wants. He does not stop to think about what he wants or what is in his highest good. He just resists. He resists because not being controlled is more important to him than anything. Not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving to himself or to others. Not being controlled is his God.

While Laura can certainly be controlling at times – as we all can – she does not cause Roger’s resistance. His choice to resist rather than care about himself and others started as a small child, and has continued into adulthood. As long as not being controlled is more important to Roger than being loving, there is nothing Laura can do.

The real issue is that Roger has never developed an adult part of himself capable of thinking about what is best for him. He is operating from a small child aspect of himself who automatically resists in the face of Laura’s requests, just as he did with his mother. Until Roger is willing to do the inner work necessary to develop a loving adult self, he will continue to respond on automatic pilot, and Laura will continue to feel unloved by him.

The irony of the situation is that Roger is being controlled by his resistance. He is not deciding for himself what he wants and doesn’t want – he is just automatically resisting. He is not even conscious that he is choosing to resist.

Because Roger did not want to lose Laura, he was willing to do some inner work. The first step was to become aware of his resistance.

“Roger, I suggest that you consciously choose to resist rather than just doing it automatically. By choosing it, you will become aware of it. Are you willing to try this, or do you want to resist this too?”

Roger laughed. He could already feel his desire to resist doing what I asked him to do. But he did choose to try it.

Within a few months, Roger was very aware of choosing to resist. He was also aware that it was no longer much fun. It was not making him happy. Roger decided that it was more important for him to be loving than to resist being controlled. He was on the road to healing.

My son Josh was scared. You could see it in his little face. Angst was written all over him. His knuckles were as white as his t-shirt. He starred down. “What’s up?” I asked with a smile hoping to relieve his fears. “Daddy,” he nervously replied, “I’m afraid I’ll get Bird Flu!”And this from a seven year old! At breakfast time!!I’m not sure if Josh had heard me talking about Bird Flu or if he heard about it at school. Whatever the case, kids do hear all that is going on around us and need to be helped through their fears before they get a pandemic of the stomach. There are in fact just a few simple things we as parents can do to help our kids work through issues, regardless of the age or gender of our bundles of joy. A lot of what kids (and especially youth) need is simply an ear. Talking with your child about the issues at hand is vitally important. When I explained to Josh that Bird Flu is very susceptible to heat and that just zapping his breakfast in the Microwave already killed all those bad guys (germs) his face light up like a Christmas tree. I also explained to him a few other facts about Bird Flu including tips on washing hands, covering the mouth when coughing and not kissing the neighbors chicken. Adding a few practical steps can help your child relate to the more complex “how’s”, and in this case, even have the added benefit of finally getting those hands washed before meals.

Of course my son knows I travel to Asia and in fact lived in China where influenza is birthed. So yes, I told him too of precautions I take, vaccines which are available against the flu virus and most importantly, that God is in control so I don’t have to worry. I suggested to Josh that he too can pray for me when I travel and that he is under God’s protection. I took it another step and said we can do something positive and helpful for other kids. We talked about what he could tell his friends at school should they get scared. We talked about how we could pray together for kids in China. And we talked about giving to help fund research. All these things helped Josh face the issue of Bird Flu in a different light. I know that Josh is not completely over his fears. He hears more and more about Bird Flu and I know that when kids are sick at school Josh wonders of they “have it.” That is why I keep up to date with Josh about what is going on without making Bird Flu an issue or blowing it out of proportion. I hear in his prayers that it is sometimes on his mind, other times not. So I keep a balance in how or when I approach the subject. And of course I make the point to always pray God’s protection over us as a family and to keep our house safe. In this way Josh gets a perspective on life which doesn’t suggest that danger is non-existent but rather that through action and prayer we don’t have to live in fear.

This column offers solutions to people who write in questions about how they can solve their life challenges through the formula described in the books, Way of the Positive Flow and Positive Flow Parenting, by Lawrence Vijay Girard

Please send your questions to Submissions@FruitgardenPublishing.Com

Parents Dealing with Worry and Fear

by Lawrence Vijay Girard

Dear Vijay,

I worry about not being a good parent. My daughter Tracy is six and my son Michael is four. They seem happy. Our family does things together. It is just that with so much that seems to be going wrong in the world, I fear that something will go wrong at home.

Hope you can help me, M.J.

Dear M.J.,

This really isn’t a parenting question. It is a question about your own self and how you relate to life. Your children are simply the catalyst for energizing these issues for you. The fact that your feelings of unrest are manifesting in the guise of concern for your children just proves that negative energies don’t play fair. They go for our soft spots, and they have no mercy.

You told me your story perfectly. But, you only needed to use two of the words you wrote: Worry and Fear. These are words that become self-fulfilling. The more you use them, the more powerful they become.

Whenever you have reoccurring feelings or emotions that get in the way of your personal sense of internal balance you are doing yourself and your whole family a favor by doing something to improve your mental/emotional landscape.

You have taken the first big step by recognizing that this area of your life is out of balance. Observation is key to knowing what is going on in life. Next you want to come up with creative solutions to your situation. Remember, you aren’t trying to go to war with yourself over this issue. What you are trying to do is redirect energy that is heading in what you would consider to be a negative direction, and turn it towards a positive direction.

Here is an idea to show you how this works:

Go on a diet. Not a food diet, but a worry/fear diet. That means you consciously abstain from worrying or being fearful for periods of time. Of course as soon as you go on a diet (as with food) you become intensely aware of the very thing that you are trying to forget!

The key is to remember that you aren’t trying to fight with yourself. You are trying to redirect negative energy into a positive direction.

If you take some quiet time to search inside yourself for creative ideas I bet you will come up with some fun and inventive ways that fit your own situation perfectly. If you get stuck for ideas, do a little brainstorming with a good friend.

Tip: You don’t have to tell your friend that you are driving yourself nuts with worry/fear. That could create a negative image in their mind. Just tell them truthfully that you are looking for some fun ways to redirect your energies when you feel the need. They may end up trying the ideas themselves!

When you notice that you are starting to worry or be fearful (you want to catch yourself as quickly as possible before you build up a head of steam) then go directly to one of your redirection ideas. If the first one doesn’t work, move right on to the next idea.

Here are some sample ideas:

* Make silly faces in the mirror.
* Exercise intensely. Activities that take mental, as well as, physical effort are particularly good.
* Do a good deed for someone. Intense attention to others often takes us out of self-involved circles of thought.
Read the comics or a good book of humor.
* Listen to joyful music.
* Watch a light, happy movie.
* Learn to meditate. Meditation is the most direct way to internally redirect our energies.
* Affirm: I am joyful and energetic! Repeat this out loud ten to twenty times while walking in place and swinging your arms.

When you immerse yourself in almost any positive direction with energy and concentration you will find that negative energies lose their power and eventually fall away through neglect. This is a powerful truth that works in every facet of life.

Experiment with these ideas and let us know how things go.

Bless You,

Vijay

Adopt without fear of your failure, but with confidence in knowing that God has led you to this decision. “Fear not for I am with you,” says the Lord. In all you do and in all you face here on earth as Christians, the Lord is with you. God blesses those that give of their heart. What better way to bless a child than to offer them your love through adoption.

Fearing the things of this earth will only lead to stress, anxiety, and a lack of self-confidence. In the Bible there are several scriptures that address how Christians should approach every decision they make objectively, with self-control, and within obedience to God’s will.

Doubt comes from the voices we allow ourselves to hear. This voice is not of God, but of Satan. If you’ve studied the Word of God closely, prayed for answers, and given yourself over to the Lord in complete acceptance of His decision; Satan will plant doubt, confusion, and frustration within your mind if you’re not careful.

God Calls You Fear ONLY HIM Deuteronomy 6:13 (NIV) “Fear the LORD your God, serve Him only and take your oaths in His name.” God is the only one you shall fear. Not man, not yourself, not even Satan shall be your cause of fear.
God Calls You to Adopt Romans 8:15, 23, and 9:4 “received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, ‘Abba! Father!” Through Christ Jesus redemption.

The Bible supports in over 20 scriptures God’s approval of adoption. He encourages and instructs us to be carriers of the fatherless. Adopting a child is a huge step. It requires a special type of individual to take in a child and care for them. What you do not realize is that if you are drawn to adopt a child, God has already chosen you to be an adopted parent. He will give you a drive like no other to pursue adoption. The mere existence of such a drive will reassure you that God has a plan for you. Recognize it, thank God for it, and do not become fearful.

God Calls You to Love Deuteronomy 6:5 (NIV) “Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength.” Love is the greatest commandment of all. We are to love thy neighbor as ourselves and this extends to the children of this earth.

Adopt a child and you will see for yourself the joy a hug can bring to that child’s face. If you are adopting a preschool age child, the rewards of your decision to adopt are immediate. Imagine taking a child into your arms that has lost his or her parents in a fire and needs nothing more than a secure hug from someone who cares. Instantly, the child welcomes the acceptance of an adult that wants to care for them. The hug back says, “Please take me home.”

WHAT IS LOVE?

LOVE IS gentle and caring,
LOVE IS understanding and acceptance,
LOVE IS giving of yourself and your time,
LOVE IS being there when it counts the most,
And LOVE IS caring for a child God has sent to you.

God smiles upon couples that make this important decision not out of selfishness or with high expectations, but out of love and in obedience to His word. You can expect all type of emotions during the adoption process. Don’t be afraid to extend your hand, heart, and home to a child. Adopt knowing you’re following God’s plan for your life.