It seems like when kids are young, parents can’t get a moments peace. Children babble on about anything and everything. At times you just want them to be quiet or you train yourself to tune the kids out. Even if just for a minute. The constant chatter, although mostly delightful, can grind on your nerves. However, the day will come when you miss their talks and questions. The older the child gets, the more you don’t know and the less they will tell you and this exactly the time that you realize the more you need to know.

Infants and toddlers typically view this new world from your eyes. That makes sense considering most of their experiences are with you. They listen to what you say and rarely question your wisdom. You are their hero and what you say goes. However, the day will come, too quickly, when the children start listening to others and form new opinions and experiences that are not associated with you or your teachings.

The need to stay in touch is paramount but the older the children get the less of opportunities you will have. So, what do parents do?

Car rides! It seems the environment of the vehicle allows for great conversations. While riding in the car, the distractions are limited and the direct eye contact is minimal. This provides a perfect setting for staying in touch. Kids feel more at ease to share events and feelings that make up their days, in a less intense situation. It is the opportune time to talk to them about nothing and everything. You have their undivided attention and they have yours.

Before getting in the car, think about some questions that are non-threatening and impersonal. Start with those and see where the conversation leads. Another good lead for heart-to-heart conversations is current events. You will probably be amazed at what the children know and their opinions on situations. Try to listen more than you talk once the conversations begin.

As situations allow, dig deeper into more personal issues. Make sure you are in a conversational form and not ready to pounce. The kids will know the difference. Children are still under your guidance and they really do still value your opinions but be careful not to shove your views down their throats! Keep in mind, these types of conversations should remain two-way. Ask your children their points of views and feedback. Even if you do not agree, listen. In time, you can guide them or provide them more documentation for review of specific subjects.

Every conversation need not be long, drawn out or intense. Before getting in the car, think of some funny stories to tell them. They can be of your previous day, a conversation you had with a friend or extended family member or a good joke you heard. Keep them laughing or engaged and let them realize you are fun to talk with. Then, when the important topics surface, they will be more likely to share them with you.

Most importantly, find times to talk. Growing up is hard and confusing. Let them know that they can come to you, regardless. Surface talk is when you ask them about their day and they say “it was okay.” True conversations form when they actually tell you about it!

Parents often complain bitterly that their children don’t listen. Yet children regularly grumble that their parents don’t listen or understand them either. Unfortunately, both parties are right. In this modern age of mobiles, Internet etc were there is such a vast range of communication tools and gadgets we are often too busy to really connect on a meaningful level. However excellent communication is the glue that holds any healthy relationship together. It is the lynch pin to excellent parenting.

In this article, I intend to explain what communication is, and why communicating with our children is vital. Then I will give you some simple tools for successful communication.

What is communication? Communication is a social interaction, the process of sharing information between two or more people. Communication can be verbal as in speech or non-verbal as in sign language, gestures or written communication. It is the exchanging or imparting of thoughts, opinion or information. Communication is the art of speaking and listening. Good communication requires active listening as well as talking.

Why is good communication vital in a parent child relationship?

• Good communication can determine the nature of parent child relationships from birth to adolescence and beyond.
• Good communication nurtures closer family bonds.
• Good communication prevents misunderstandings from occurring.
• Good communication is the key to building self-esteem in children and young people.
• Children learn how to communicate effectively by following our good example.

The art of good communication – Good communication is all about encouraging children to talk, showing them you are listening, reflective listening, respecting opinions and talking politely. Research shows that about 85% of what we communicate is non-verbal. Non-verbal communication includes eye contact, posture, and physical movements such as folding our arms or leaning forward. As you can see non-verbal communication is more important than verbal communication so it is very important to watch your body language.

Encouraging children to talk – Encouraging children to talk when they are very young paves the way to positive communication in teenage years. Children who are more reserved will often talk when they are occupied in a physical task such as baking or walking. Most children will need little encouragement to talk but will ‘dry up’ if they are continually interrupted, criticised or ignored. Can you remember a time when you were talking to someone who either kept interrupting or whose mind was elsewhere? I’m sure you felt like giving up because you felt unheard. Children’s biggest complaint about parents is that they don’t listen.

Show them we are listening – Children can be discouraged from communicating if parents are distracted by talking to someone else on the phone or giving instructions to another child. Give your child your undivided attention by switching off the television and facing them. We need to physically get down to children at their level. There will be times when you need to complete a task but you can respond so they know you are listening. Have you ever experienced having a conversation with someone who towered over you? It can be a daunting experience.

Body language is extremely important. An NLP presuppositions state that ‘You cannot not communicate’Positive Body language includes:

• Maintaining eye contact
• Getting down to the child’s level e.g. if they are sitting sit or kneel down
• Mirror and matching – you can match or mirror body language such as posture, gestures and facial expressions to establish and maintain rapport
• Nodding or shaking the head at appropriate times
• Smiling

Verbal responses You can demonstrate you are listening by:

• Asking brief open ended questions
• Making encouraging sounds ‘mmmmm’, ‘right’, ‘oooh?’ ‘I see’, ‘tell me more’, ‘and?’

Reflectve listening – Reflective listening encourages children to ‘open up’ especially when they are struggling with an emotion or experience. Reflective listening is repeating back to a child what they have said or paraphrasing (summarising in your own words). You reflect back what the child has said and the underlying feelings expressed. This shows the child that you are listening and have understood. Reflecting back is listening without judgement. Avoid using reflective listening all the time otherwise your children will be driven round the bend. This method of listening takes practice but with time will deepen any relationship. Ask questions sparingly, avoid giving your children the third degree because they’ll feel intimidated and stop talking.

Respecting opinions – If we want to encourage children to talk confidently about what’s troubling them, they need consistent practice about everyday events and issues. Children are full of ideas and can sometimes express the most weird and unusual ideas. Listening to their ideas and treating them with respect will encourage them to keep talking. Criticism, belittling and humiliation does not encourage open dialogue. Respecting children’s opinions doesn’t mean we agree however it teaches them that it’s all right to hold different opinions and it also demonstrates polite behaviour.

Some years ago during a heated discussion my husband told my mother that her idea was stupid. She was outraged and upset by his comment. Children have feelings and are easily crushed by criticism. Unfortunately children who are constantly ignored or humiliated lack confidence and are reluctant to speak out for fear of humiliation or criticism. Encouraging children to make choices about simple family issues such as where to go on a day out or what colour to paint a room will help develop self-confidence.

Speaking politely – Sometimes children’s behaviour or comments can be aggravating however you can demonstrate polite behaviour by:

• Not using put down words or statement
• Allow them to finish before you respond
• When angry about a situation don’t attempt communication, wait until you have calmed down
• Refrain from shouting or talking between clenched teeth
• Asking what happened rather than why
• Don’t preach and moralise children switch off
• Praise your child’s efforts to communicate
• Use language appropriate to the age of the childIn conclusion, children are excellent imitators.

Children learn by copying whether the example is good or bad. I remember an irate parent demanding ‘who was teaching her f****** son to f****** swear’. I asked her to repeat the question twice before the penny dropped. Remember the old adage ‘action speaks louder than words’ is true. Children are more likely to do what you do rather than do what you say.

Parents need to communicate successfully with their children because failure to do so will result in a rift or schism. A rift in a relationship leaves a void that may unfortunately be filled with inappropriate relationships, unacceptable behaviour, drug or alcohol abuse or inappropriate sexual relationships. When parents talk daily to their children about the little things they establish a pattern. This makes it natural for children to talk to their parents about the important things in their lives.

If you think about what life must have been like 150 years ago, when long distance communication meant putting pen to paper, it’s astonishing to think about how far we’ve come. Today, many people will tell you they feel positively naked without a cell phone dangling from the hip, and a palm pilot or Blackberry in the pocket. Handbags are now specially designed with these and similar items in mind. These are “can’t do withouts”, and we haven’t even touched on the computer.

The coming of electronic media was certainly revolutionary. People now had choices of how they were going to get – and give – their news. I remember growing up in a large house, with an entire room devoted to the telephone. There was a small desk, chair, lamp, and telephone. Nothing more.

In the 21st Century, this seems like a way to converse straight out of the Middle Ages, as we walk around with phone in hand. And by using voice over Internet Protocol, the computer is converted into an inexpensive phone. Voice sounds are compressed into data packets and sent without the need for traditional phone lines.

But what about those times when you want to send a written message, but don’t fancy having to involve the post office. Well, that’s covered, too, which is why e-mail has come of age. Although fairly new, e-mail is already experiencing massive problems – spam, unwanted advertising, and computer viruses – due to unscrupulous people whose aim is to hurt and/or profit unethically.

E-mail, as we currently know it, must evolve into another form. There are currently discussions about charging senders in order to stop the spam – but what about the poor soul whose computer is unknowingly “hijacked” by a spammer, to send out junk by the millions? Most of these spammers are not in the U.S., and therefore not subject to U.S. laws. Another consideration is charging to receive e-mail. But either way, there are additional things to contend with besides receiving the message itself – unwanted advertising and computer viruses.

The solution seems to be finding another way to get the written word and picture to recipients by finding a bypass that eliminates the problems. Legislation is slow and clumsy, and those intent on causing harm seem to be one step ahead of the regulators.

How good is your communication with your kids? Are you happy with the outcomes? Is your communication between one another loaded with emotion, or does it get the job done in a peaceful manner. I’m going to share eight tips about how I established communication with my daughters. I saw great success in parenting them when I used them.

Be Your Word.

Everything you say to your children is a promise or an agreement. Do what you say you’re going to do and you build trust. Trust carries you through when they’re sixteen years old, driving around with their friends and you don’t know what they’re doing.

There was a recent article about the Florida football team which was about to go into the National Championship game against the Ohio State Buckeyes. Florida had a new coach named Urban Meyer. Everyone agreed he had turned the program around. Their season had dramatically improved, even though they essentially had the same talent and schedule. So what was the difference?

To a man, they all emphasize the fact that the new coach had built a greater sense of trust among the players and coaches. They discussed some of his techniques. There were things like practices at midnight and certain competitions he had dreamed up. The important point was he had created a high level of trust.

Your children will be tempted, and since you won’t be there looking over their shoulder, you have to instill character in them. The first step in instilling character is that they see character in you. You are their role model.

Be 100% Responsible

Having integrity means being 100% responsible for everything in your life. It means giving up your reasons and your excuses. Every truly successful person I know lives their life as though they are 100% responsible for everything in their life.

At first blush, many people think this is ridiculous or unrealistic. Other people get the concept but they don’t really live it. This may at first sound like a burden; in reality it’s a freedom.

When you really get that you are 100% responsible for everything in your life, it’s a tremendously freeing experience. It allows you to create your life. This idea isn’t just some quotation you can read and pooh pooh. It’s real. Think about it: if you’re not responsible, if you don’t have control over your own life, then you’re just a victim and whatever makes you unhappy will always make you unhappy because you can’t change it, get rid of it. I know you can see this truth.

Be Genuine

This means being straightforward in your communications and take what you get. This means don’t use force or manipulation as a way of trying to get what you want. We know that we can’t control other people. When you really understand that and accept it, you’ll stop trying to manipulate or force others into achieving the results that you want. Force and manipulation will, at best, only get you a temporary result. Human beings always resist force and manipulation. Force and manipulation are really a product of fear.

When my children were young and they told their mom they wanted to live with Dad all the time, her response was to tell them that if they did that she would disown them. Obviously, I knew she wouldn’t disown them and I told them that. But she got what she wanted temporarily. They went back to live with her for a month. But in short order, they realized Mom wasn’t really going to leave them and then they moved into my house permanently.

Be Free

Learn to give up being right. How many times have we used that as justification for our actions?

When I say give up being right, I’m not saying forget about the concept of right and wrong. It’s incredibly important to teach your children the difference between right and wrong. Giving up being right really relates to the whole idea of control. More specifically, it deals with the fact that you don’t control anyone else. If you’re having an argument with your ex or you’re mad at them because you’re right and they’re wrong, this has nothing to do with making them right and you wrong. It has nothing to do with forgetting about right and wrong. It doesn’t meant that you have to give in to the. I just means you aren’t going to convince them that you’re right. It just means, let it go. Again, think long term. Think what will be effective and what your kids are seeing as you interface with your ex.

Be Courageous

Always deal with issues with your children head-on. My daughters told me throughout high school that their friends were always amazed at all the things they could talk to me about. My daughters would tell me “My girlfriends are amazed about the things I tell you.” Of course, I was forced into this because there was no mom around. The result is that my kids can talk to me about anything – sex, drugs, rock-n-roll. However, our goal here is to raise these children so they become productive and healthy young adults.

When you communicate clearly and openly with your children and develop trust they will come to you with the important issues in their life. Be their guide. You are their anchor. You want them talking to you, not their friends.

Be Peaceful

This comes back to being accepting about what you’re really trying to achieve. Don’t take the easy way out. Develop an early warning system. What are the things in your relationship with your children that irritate, aggravate or anger you? Think about what it is that really angers you.

Whatever you think it is, it really isn’t that. Now you think I’m talking nonsense. Let me give you an example. When my daughters were in high school I used to get really aggravated when they would leave the bathroom a mess. Typically, they would spend hours in the bathroom, doing what girls do, so that they could leave and be beautiful and get to that party. They would make a half-hearted attempt to clean up the bathroom and boom, they were out the door. I’d go upstairs, take one look at the bathroom and become angry because the sink was a mess and the towels were just lying on the floor.

On its face, I was angry because they left the bathroom a mess. When I really analyzed it, I knew I was mad at myself because I was failing as a parent to modify their behavior. That’s what I mean when I say, look at whatever it is that upsets you and whatever you think it is, it’s not really that.

Be Powerful

Don’t be cynical; be inspiring. Act in a way that they are touched and that you make a difference in their lives. One final word on responsibility: I’ve repeatedly talked about being responsible in your life. Successful parents are responsible. Responsibility in this context is not a burden. It’s not something you have to do, like pay the bills. It’s not about fault or blame. It’s not about guilt of shame. It’s not about getting credit. It’s not about judgment or what’s right or wrong. It’s not about what’s good or bad.

Being responsible means being wiling to deal with a situation in your life from the view that you are the creator of your life and of what you do. No one makes you responsible and you don’t make anyone else responsible. It’s a gift you give yourself.

Pass this lesson on to your children. Teach them to be responsible for themselves. Again, not a burden – acknowledge that they determine the consequences of their lives.

Take Nothing Personally

In all of your relationships, in all of your communications, take nothing personally. Observe the world around you. Notice how often people get offended. Look for it. As an experiment, see how many times you can notice someone being offended in a single day. The more you observe it as an outsider, the more comical it becomes. People act like little kids.

Don’t be like everyone else. Step back and be an observer. Watch how people interact with each other. You’ll find it humorous. The more you observe it in other people, the more humorous it is, the funnier it becomes, and the more quickly you’ll realize when you’re doing it, you’ll be able to stop.

If you want your children to turn out great
, your success in parenting and your communication with your kids will both benefit from using these tips.

Are you tired of having upsets with the people in your life? Do you want to learn the art of communication so that you can experience successful relationships with your family, friends, and the people you work with? To begin with, you may want to make the following agreement.”

I care about you, and I am committed to communicating with you in constructive ways. I realize that I am responsible for all my thoughts and feelings. I am willing to be present and to listen to you. My focus is on accepting both of our viewpoints, and creating win-win situations and solutions. It is such a joy to communicate with you, and to maintain the bridge between us so that we can be close. I like feeling close to you.”

Now that you are clear about your goal, here are some guidelines that can help you keep your communication agreement.

1. Take the time to communicate with yourself; tune into your own thoughts and feelings to be clearly aware of what you want to share with others.

2. Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings by beginning your sentences with “I.”

3. Ask for what you want instead of telling people what you do not want. For example, “I would like you to calmly tell me what you want,” is better than, “Don’t yell at me!”

4. Understand that communication is sharing opinions and feelings. Avoid debating which is trying to prove right or wrong.

5. Make a statement first so people know what you are thinking. Then ask them for their opinion. For example, “I would like to go to the movie. Would you like to go?”

6. Avoid mind reading. If you are unclear about any communication, ask for specifics. For example, “How do you mean that? What do you mean?”

7. Watch for non-verbal messages-gestures, posture, tone of voice, etc., to fully understand what the person is saying.

8. Rather than giving advice, point out the different choices you see, and allow the other person to make their own decisions.

9. Really listen to what they are trying to tell you. (Avoid thinking about what you want to say next.) Then let them know that you have heard them by repeating what they have said in your own words.

10. To let the other person know that you are listening, use eye contact, or say, “Uh huh,” or “I hear you.”

11. If a person is not communicating with you, be aware if you are doing one or more of the following: not listening, judging, talking too much, interrupting, not being interested in the other person’s communication, being impatient, criticizing, being sarcastic, overreacting, psychoanalyzing, labeling, or cursing.

12. In order to be heard, avoid starting your sentences with the following words because they often feel like attacks and provoke arguments.

“I know you. . .” (You only know about yourself.)”

I like you, but. . .” (The “but” discounts the first part of the sentence.)”

You feel. . .” (People do not like to be told how they are feeling.)”

Why are you feeling . . .?” (You are asking them to rationally justify their feelings. Emotions are real and valid even if they are irrational.)”

You always or never. . .” (These words are too absolute, and the listener will be focusing on the times they did or didn’t so that they can defend themselves.)”

You make me. . .” (No one can make you feel a certain way. You are totally responsible for how you perceive and react to things.)”

Don’t you think . . .?” (You are implying that they should think your way.)”

You should. . .” (These words are telling the other person that they are not okay if they do not do what you say-which often leads to rebellious behavior because they are not feeling that they have a choice.)

13. In order to be heard, begin your sentences with the following words:

“I imagine. . .” (Your imagination is not threatening to another.)”

I like you and. . .” (They are likely to be open to your comment.)”

I feel. . .” (People like to hear what you are feeling.)”

What (or How) are you feeling?” (These words ask for information and show that you care.)”

Sometimes or often. . .” (People can often handle non-absolutes.)”

I resent. . .” (Taking responsibility for your feelings helps the other person hear you.)”

What do you want?” (You are helping the other person tell you what they desire-shows that you care enough to ask.)”

I want (prefer, or would like). . .” (People like direct and clear messages.)

14. Be aware of your non-verbal messages and be congruent. That is, your body language and words need to be sending the same message.

For example, if you say, “What do you want?” with an annoyed tone of voice, you are sending the message that you really do not care about what they want.

15. If you are upset, do what you need to do in order to feel calm so that you can communicate constructively. For example, take a walk, nap, write down your feelings, or yell into a pillow.

16. Create win-win situations by brainstorming until both parties are satisfied with the solution. Then work out the specific details to carry out the mutually agreed upon decision.

These techniques can greatly enhance your relationships. Be forgiving and patient with yourself and others as you acquire the art of communication.

Awesome Dad’s Top Ten Communication Intentions

From CoachVille’s “Awesome Dads: dare to be a hero!” community. Check us out at: http://dbc593.cvcommunity.com

An Awesome Dad in by no means perfect. But that itself is perfect, because imperfection allows us to really understand the personal evolution our children are going through with
us. The definition of an Awesome Dad, then, is the father who stays in the game, shows up fully and sets powerful
intentions to grow into. Here are some:

I listen with my entire being – and without judgment.
I seek first to understand and appreciate what my children say. From that vantage point, I will build their trust in me and be most supportive.

I see others as equals, neither superior nor inferior to me.
Every person is a unique individual, just like everyone else on the planet. (hee hee)! We each have our own journey and everyone we encounter is integral to our life’s objectives. Children are no less important and should be treated with equal respect.

I engage my curiosity completely.
I truly want to understand and try to grasp all that is going on for my children. I want to see the world afresh from their perspectives and glean new insights through them. I ask questions without an agenda.

I consider all perspectives and choose consciously.
In this world of infinite possibilities, I seek to understand where everyone is coming from and only then choose what resonates most. I share this process with those I love.

First, do no harm!
I communicate to foster understanding and growth but never to hurt. “Sticks and stones…” I know my words can cut
deeper, and the resulting wounds take longer to heal.

I tell stories that speak to the heart.
When I speak from the heart, my words penetrate other’s hearts. Parables and personal stories are easy to accept
and are rarely accusatory, though often funny and informative.

I articulate the nuances.
I use a rich vocabulary to communicate distinctions that will help to raise awareness and expand my family’s
appreciation of life.

I understand the power of my touch.
From a gentle touch on the cheek, to a vigorous backrub, to wrestling on the floor, I communicate my love through the
powerful medium of touch. And I know when to refrain as well.

I share what’s there.
I discuss difficult issues that warrant open communication without fear. I believe open communication will lead to the greatest family unity, even though the journey may be difficult.

My actions are congruent with my values.
I am keenly aware that my actions speak louder than my words. The best communication is when words and actions
match perfectly. Values in action…

Copyright 2004 by CoachVille, Dovid Grossman and Ken Mossman
Duplication, with attribution, permitted and encouraged. http://www.CoachVille.com

A small town, somewhere in the world, was managed by a town council of seven or eight members. The council normally met once a week. One member – let’s call him Bill – would invariably stroll into the council chamber exactly ten minutes after the time scheduled for the meeting.

For Bill’s fellow councilors, this seemingly inconsiderate practice was very disruptive. At first, since Bill was known to be an extremely busy professional, they were prepared to assume that he had been unavoidably delayed. But when history repeated itself meeting after meeting, they began to wonder..

Then one day, the sleepy little town was overtaken by a crisis, and the mayor asked his councilors to attend an emergency session – at 7 the following morning. And you guessed it – Bill turned up at 7:10 precisely.

This seemed to confirm the mayor’s suspicion’s that something more than unavoidable circumstances lay behind Bill’s habitual latecoming. After the meeting he called over the offending councilman for a private chat.

To the mayor’s surprise, Bill accepted the rebuke with good grace. Punctuality had never been his strongest point, he pleaded, and it had never dawned on him that his bad habit was upsetting everybody so. But from this point, he assured the mayor, he was a reformed man…

The day of the next council gathering came around, and sure enough, Bill was among the first to arrive.

“What’s the matter Bill?” jeered one of his colleagues. “Is your watch half an hour fast?”

“Surely, you were locked out of your house!” added a second, in a somewhat derisive tone.

Right until the end of his term of office, Bill was never on time for a council meeting again.

*********

This is a story that actually happened, although I have changed some of the details.

Three or four decades ago, an educational psychologist by the name of Haim Ginott caused quite a stir when he suggested to parents and teachers that they try a new way of communicating with children. He urged them to unlearn the language of rejection – blaming and shaming, ridiculing and belittling, threatening and bribing – and to learn a new language of acceptance.

In his bestselling books, Ginott repeatedly wrote about the need for “congruent communication.” By this, he meant that the way we communicate should be congruent, or consistent, with our objective.

What a pity that so much of our communication isn’t!

We see this clearly from our story. Had his colleagues given Bill some badly needed encouragement in breaking a difficult habit, everybody would have come out a winner. But instead of drawing him near, they pushed him away.

Before taking up psychology, Ginott had been an elementary school teacher, first in Israel and then in the USA. But he was not happy, for he realized that his professional training had not equipped him well for the cold realities of the classroom. “I tried to teach my students to be polite,” he complained, “and they were rude; to be neat, and they were messy; to be cooperative, and they were disruptive!”

What, then, was the problem?

Could it be, he apparently asked himself, that he was the problem?

Was he relating to his young charges correctly? Or was he, quite unwittingly, pushing them into them into the same corner into which Bill had been pushed by his colleagues on the town council?

How, he asked himself further, does a teacher react if a guest comes to her classroom and forgets her umbrella? Does he run after her and say: “What’s the matter with you? Every time you come to visit you forget something. Next time, you’ll forget your head! Why can’t you be like your sister? She’s a responsible person..”

For sure, he will say nothing more than “Here’s your umbrella.” That’s it. But nobody knows why a teacher (or a parent) has to assume the role of a judge, or a prophet, when he or she is addressing a child.

A wise person knows that to label a person is to disable him. This applies especially in the case of young children, whose minds are like wet cement. The diagnosis may become the disease. A child may often live up to his parent or teacher’s negative prediction.

But that’s not all.

What do you do when feel you’re the target of verbal abuse? Normally, you answer back. You give as good as you get. But what if you’re powerless to defend yourself against one who insults or belittles you? At the very least, you’d try to immunize yourself against any further verbal barbs and stings. You’d begin to seal off your mind.

Labeling, or any kind of negative name-calling, is not only a way to make personal enemies. It is one of the deadliest enemies of communication itself. Through it – and I am choosing my words carefully – parents or teachers could lose their children forever.

We want to place our children in at atmosphere in which learning can thrive and creativity can flourish. We want them to prepare themselves for mature and responsible adulthood. We dare not shut the door in their faces.

“Fine,” you might say, “but how do we do things the right way?”

It’s a complex subject, but here’s a simple
illustration to keep you going.

In the best of schools, it sometimes happens that two classmates insist on striking up a conversation precisely when their teacher needs their undivided attention – for example, when he is about to assign homework. Here are two short sound bytes from two different schools.

Teacher A: “Shut up – or else! You guys belong in a reformatory.”

Teacher B; “I need to assign homework now. I cannot do it unless there is absolute quiet!”

Who is the more effective communicator? You be the judge!

******

Copyright ฉ 2004 Azriel Winnett

Before using this article in your publication, please email azriel@hodu.com . Your cooperation is appreciated!

As a guardian of ADHD children I often see the myriad of emotions that a parent with an ADHD child has to go through. I also get to see the happiness that they experience once they learn the secrets of minimizing hazardous communication and decrease their ‘parenting errors’.

Some of the most common parenting errors are

1) Latent errors: there errors are inherent within the system. For example in a family, there is organizational sloppiness. Responsibilities are not defined; assumptions are made and not communicated etc.

2) Predisposing errors:

a. Work overload: parents forgetting to leave work at the office and bringing the problems home. The frustration is picked up by their hypersensitive ADHD child and ‘Boom’ goes the emotional time bomb.

b. Poor team work/cooperation: Many ADHD parents try to take on all the responsibilities. They refuse help and wear themselves into the ground. Understand that playing martyr will get you poor results, simply because you will lose any respect that your child has for you.

c. Inadequate strategies: Most parents are not prepared for parenthood. Usually the role is incidental and therefore there is a distinct lack of good parenting techniques many of which can easily be learnt before hand.

d. H.A.L.T. parents: Hungry, Angry, Late, Tired parents. The repercussions of each should be obvious.

e. Difficult children: ADHD parents need to be very careful in labeling situations, when an ADHD child behaves difficultly it is usually an external trigger factor that caused it. Your job as the parent is to find out.

3) Active errors:

a. Slips, you think about one thing get distracted and you say something else

b. Lapses, failing to follow through with something you said to your child. If it happens once your credibility takes a nose dive and you will be tested again and again by your ADHD child to reestablish the boundaries.

c. Frank mistakes, simply scolding when you know that there is a better way.

Being aware of the possible parenting errors that can occur is the first step towards success, here is a simple 6 step system that you can use to improve the satisfaction of the parent child interaction as well as the quality of relationship.

A: acknowledge.

S: say sorry

S: story

I: inquire

S: solution

T: track

Acknowledge is the simply act of empathizing with your ADHD child and affirm to them that you are present and listening to their concerns

Say sorry when you are indeed in the wrong or even if you are not. Often times saying, ‘I’m sorry that we are having difficulties in understanding each other. I really love you and would like to help as best as I can.’ Will diffuse the situation and allow the ADHD parent to reestablish communication instead of go into an adversarial role.

Story telling is often the best way to engage your child. As an ADHD parent you should develop a coherent story, one that includes your ADHD child and the outcome that is desired. Think of it as super happy ending bedtime stories, but instead of characters use your family members and depict the results you want to achieve.

Inquire and unravel the mysteries of your ADHD child’s mind. Find out by asking questions and patiently wait for an answer. You will find that more often than not, they have the perfect reason behind their behaviour, you just need to find out what that is.

Solution orientation is the name of the game. However, always ask for your ADHD child’s opinion before making your own judgment call. Know that the ADHD child doesn’t like to take instructions, so involving them in decision making is a crucial step for effective communication.

Track the results of the interaction for the next few days. Do not assume that when you and your ADHD child reach a conclusion together that all will be well. Remember, you as the ADHD parent must take an active role in securing the relationship. When you do, the quality of your parent child relationship will improve significantly.

My best wishes to you and your children.

If you have any questions, simply write to me at questions @ the adhd specialist . com (without all the spaces in between, this is to decrease the possibility of junk getting into my mailbox )

For more information, simply head over to www.theadhdspecialist.com

Warmest regards,

The biomedical researcher/ ADHD specialist

Hoe Bing

End article ‘Six Steps To Powerful Communication With Your Child’