Having to deal with an extramarital affair can be a life-changing event, regardless of whether you stay married or not. Inescapable feelings can come over both people that will never be forgotten by either of them. The person who actually had the extramarital affair can have feelings of guilt, loneliness, confusion and misdirection along with many other feelings. The ‘partner’ who did not have the extramarital affair can have these feelings as well, but the lack of confidence that can come as a result of the other person having an extramarital affair can be one of the toughest parts to deal with.
The feelings that come as a result of one or both parties having an extramarital affair are natural but can also be extensions of something much deeper. Of course, if someone has an extramarital affair, both people in that marriage will have feelings that will be “surface level” only at first. Arguments can occur, denial may set in, and/or tempers can flare due to the extramarital affair. While these things are only natural and to be expected, if your going to actually survive an extramarital affair, you must look at the deeper issues and get down to the real cause of the affair and what to do about it.
People in marriages don’t often look at having extramarital affairs lightly, and they realize most times what affects their actions will have on their marriage. If someone has an extramarital affair and doesn’t think that it will have an affect on their marriage, surely they are either in denial or their definition of marriage leans strongly towards the “open” side. For the rest of the married crowd who don’t subscribe to an “open” marriage and who have to deal with an extramarital affair, things can get a bit more complex.
Complexity can be interesting no doubt, but it can also add to the confusion of someone having an extramarital affair, especially if the couple or one party in that couple wants to look deeper at the situation and figure out two very important things:
1. Why did the extramarital affair happen?
2. Does the fact that there was an extramarital affair in the marriage really warrant getting a divorce when both people agree upon the reason that the extramarital affair happened in the first place?
If the couple really wants to save their marriage in spite of the extramarital affair, then finding out why the extramarital affair happened and agreeing on that reason is the first step in the healing process. If you are currently trying to save your marriage and one of you had an extramarital affair, try to limit your pain that you feel and talk things out with your spouse so you can clearly define and agree upon exactly why the extramarital affair took place. If you cannot do this, chances are you will never get over the extramarital affair and your marriage most likely won’t survive…or at least you won’t have a healthy marriage after the extramarital affair.
After you have defined and agreed upon the reason that the extramarital affair took place, you must decide whether that reasons (or reasons) warrant actually going through a painful divorce. At this point you have 2 choices…either decide in your own or decide with your spouse. The latter is optimal for a variety of reasons but the main reason is that you may actually save your marriage if you decide together. Deciding together whether the real reason an extramarital affair took place indicates that you’re both really reaching out for something, something you most likely didn’t have prior to the extramarital affair…togetherness.
So, should you get a divorce just because one of you had an extramarital affair?
No, not necessarily. Depending on how collaborative you can be with your spouse, how ‘detective-like’ you can act, and how much soul searching you can do, you may just become stronger together because of an extramarital affair. It may sound odd, but that’s the truth. Of course, it is entirely possible (and probable) that if you both don’t define and agree on why the extramarital affair took place and work to address that reason or reasons
, your marriage won’t ever be healthy again and you’ll never be able to healthily survive the extramarital affair.
Posted February 16th, 2009
by admin
Just Because The Phone Rings…
By David Leonhardt
Brrrrrringgg. The telephone rang.
It was as predictable as Niagara Falls. We had just sat down to a piping hot dinner, so of course the telephone would ring. My wife reminded me that just because the phone rings, doesn’t mean we have to answer it, but…
“Hello,” I answered.
“Good evening, sir. I am calling to let you know about a fantabulous new insurance program that will protect you, your family and everyone you ever meet from warts,” The Voice declared. “Isn’t this an exciting time to be spending on this planet?”
“Are you trying to sell something?” I asked suspiciously, knowing that the answer would be…
“Not at all, sir,” The Voice assured me. “I am just calling to let you know that you can now be protected against warts for much less than you would think.”
He greatly overestimated my fascination with the actuarial aspects of living wartlessly. “And you are not trying to sell me anything?” I asked hopefully.
“Of course not,” The Voice repeated. “I am calling to protect your entire family from warts forever.”
“My grandmother is already protected against warts forever,” I mused out loud.
Complete silence. “How did she do that?” The Voice asked with subdued awe.
“She died,” I replied. “She’s been protected for forty years, now. We suspect that she will remain protected forever.”
“Uh. I see,” The Voice replied. “You, too, can be protected against warts…”
“You want me to die?” I asked.
“No…”
“Honey, this telemarketer is threatening me,” I called out into the kitchen.
“Well get back here, then,” my wife responded. “Your dinner is getting cold.”
“Now look here,” The Voice began.
“Now see what you’ve done,” I scolded into the telephone. “You’ve upset my wife. You could at least have waited until after dinner to threaten me.”
My wife called out again. “Why do you have to answer the phone during dinner? Just because it rings doesn’t mean you have to answer it.”
I shouted back. “It would be rude not to answer. The Voice took time out of his busy schedule to warn us about warts the least we can do is take the time to thank him. Now,” I said into the phone. “About those threats.”
“See here, I did not threaten you,” The Voice tried to explain. ” I am simply trying to help you get rid of your warts.”
“Do I have warts?” I asked in amazement. “Sa-ay, how would you know if I have warts?”
“I don’t. I mean, you might. That is…”
“Have you gotten rid of the telemarketer yet?” my wife called to me.
“Not yet, honey. He’s diagnosing my warts,” I called back.
“No, you misunderstand,” The Voice began.
“What warts?” my wife asked, as she came into the room.
“He says I have warts,” I explained.
“I did not say you had warts,” The Voice tried to interject.
“Well, tell him you don’t have any,” my wife said.
“OK. I will,” I said to my wife. Then into the phone, “I think you have a mistake. I don’t have warts. Where did you get my number from?”
“I have this list of names…” The Voice tried to reply.
“Could you please hang up?” My wife begged. “Just because the telephone rings does not mean we have to answer it.”
“OK,” I said.
“Now please get rid of the telemarketer so we can enjoy our nice, chilling dinner,” she said with not a hint of sarcasm in her voice.
“My wife wants me to eat my dinner,” I explained to The Voice. “Can I please have your telephone number so that we can continue this most educational discussion tomorrow morning?”
“I’m not going to give you my phone number,” The Voice retorted.
“Don’t be silly. How can I call you back if you don’t give me your number?” I asked.
“I don’t want you to call me back. I just…” The Voice tried to explain.
“Now hold on just a cotton-pickin’ minute,” I said. “You’re the one who wanted to talk to me in the first place. I am doing you a favor by taking the time to speak with you on a subject of your choosing. The least you can do is let me call you at the time of my choosing, so that I can enjoy a nice hot meal with my wife. Sa-ay, are you one of those anti-family crusaders, calling people during dinnertime just to keep families from spending quality time together? I’ve heard about people like you…”
——-
A few minutes later, I returned to my dinner, which by now was as cold as a penguin with no feathers. “So you finally hung up on the telemarketer?” my wife asked. “Good for you.”
“Not quite,” I admitted.
“What?” my wife started. “Is he still on the phone?”
“I don’t think so,” I replied. “I think the telemarketer hung up on me.”
Posted December 20th, 2008
by admin